So. Last night and tonight have just been really, really tough. It’s been at its worst early in the evenings, when the wine has been crooning my name like a mermaid luring a sailor to his doom. And I’ve denied myself, and felt very hard done by. At some points I’ve been hanging on by a thread, and the thought of this blog has kept me straight.
I’ve been so ridiculously tired since I stopped drinking, and, for various reasons, I feel like I get absolutely no time to myself. It’s been an intense few days, with the festivities and three very excited small children. I’m wondering if it’s because my way of escaping has been removed – I can no longer switch off and numb everything into a warm fuzzy blanket of “nothing matters” at 7pm each evening (or earlier). I tried a few tactics I’ve read about, like “playing it forward” to tomorrow morning, and how I’d feel then if I drank tonight. I ate some food. Both things helped. A bit.
So I’m going to list a few of the reasons why I wanted to stop, to remind myself why I’m doing this:
- I want to be a better Mummy. I want to be the best one that I can be, instead of being short-tempered, stressed, shouty-Mummy-with-a-hangover who doesn’t have the energy or will to play.
- I would like more energy, instead of feeling tired and jaded, constantly.
- I’m interested to see who I really am without the effects of alcohol & what I can achieve if I’m fully present in my life.
- I want to feel more in control. As somewhat of a control-freak, I can’t really believe I’ve let myself feel this out of control for so bloody long!
Right. Deep breathing, Red. Tomorrow will be better.