Toughing it out

Last night was tough again. I’m finding the most difficult time is about 5pm when I’m in the kitchen cooking. Where’s my treat, dammit??

So, I took some good advice and went out shopping. I bought myself flowers, fancy M&S tea with cocoa nibs, AF fizz for New Years Eve, and that helped for a while.

I still nearly cracked though. OH suggested I wait till after tea, and see if I still felt like wine, which worked as the craving magically disappeared once my belly was full.

We ended up having a really good, open talk about what I’m doing. I tried to explain to him how my relationship with alcohol is different to his; ย how I use it for different reasons. For me, I’ve realised drinking is an escape route, a way of pulling up the corners of the big comfort blanket, flipping down those blinkers and making the world a tiny, dark, safe place, where I can live right here in the moment. I can say a great big “f*ck it” to all the STUFF THAT NEEDS DOING, the constant mental list of things I ย never quite get round to and all the associated guilt. The joke is, that when I’m sober, I actually have time to deal with the myriad of molehills which make up the unconquerable mountain in my mind. I know, because during my sober July, I felt in control and on top of things for the first time in years.

So, tonight Red has a plan. I’m going to exercise through the tough hour, because as I remember, those endorphins are quite a rush. Then I’m going to get some SHIT DONE. And then I’m going to relax, with my endorphins, my sense of achievement, and a bloody great big hot chocolate.

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18 thoughts on “Toughing it out”

      1. Yes. In easy sobriety I switched from boot camp/weightlifting to yoga.

        I was just so tired and crazy and I felt calmed at yoga.

        I now teach at the local recovery centre as yoga has helped me so much to find peace with my body and to still my mind.

        Learning to breathe and be still has brought me inner peace.

        Which sounds kind of crazy, but it’s true!

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  1. Hi Red, liking your style. Glad you waited it out, what is that acronym HALT? Don’t let yourself get Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, if you are craving a drink, check if you are one of those first and take care of that forest. I’m on Day 3 and holding firm. Keep going.

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    1. Thanks, Ginger! Great to hear from you. It’s good to know there are other folks out there brave enough to take this step at such a crazy time of year. How are you finding it? If it’s any help at all I feel like I’ve turned a (tiny) corner today, 8 days in. The exhaustion is lifting. Oh and my plan worked – cravings were blitzed tonight ๐Ÿ™‚

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    1. Hey Wendy! It’s ok – I’ve had all three kids on my own all day, and everything was getting pretty fractious about an hour ago. (I have a boy of 4, and boy/girl twins who are 3). Given my natural “happy place” would be somewhere like a library or remote waterfall in Iceland, this, plus chronic back pain, was all a bit much and I just wanted to crack open a lovely cold bottle of forgetty-juice. But we’ve turned a corner since tea, and I’m back down off the ceiling ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks for checking in with me. How’s things with you, and the freaky Texas weather?

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  2. I am so impressed with your determination! How close are your kiddos in age? Mine are 21 months apart. 4 and 3 can be gloriously brutal years!

    It is a beautiful blue sky 48 degree day here. We’re headed to a playdate.

    Tea sounds very exotic to me. Tea is sweetened and iced here and not an event.

    I hope your evening goes well!

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    1. Ahh – mine are 14 months apart. My eldest son was so easy, so we thought “hey, let’s get it all done now and have number 2 fairly soon”. And then I got preggers almost immediately, and had twins and all hell broke loose! They’re gorgeous, and I love them fiercely, but they also exhaust me and drive me to distraction. It’s a constant guilt trip ๐Ÿ˜‰ How old are your kids? A playdate sounds nice, glad to hear you have some sun. It’s been relentlessly grey here in the UK for forever. Tea may sound exotic, but it was only scrambled eggs on toast – all I could muster tonight..

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      1. Ahh 11 & 9… I dream of mine being that age, mostly so they’ll have some road sense and I can dare to take them all out for the day by myself!! I love the thought of your daughter being “hell on wheels”, what a great expression ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope they enjoyed their playdate.

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