Red’s new experiment in stupidity

Well folks, after 40 or so days of abstinence, the memory of how bad I felt when drinking had faded sufficiently to let the idiot-gene kick in, and I decided that drinking would be a Good Idea. I’d left my phone at my in-laws by accident, and I felt weirdly off the grid and away from you all, and I somehow thought I could get away with it. So I conciously decided to conduct an experiment, with myself as the subject.

It was Saturday night, and out of left field, I got a craving for wine, so I just bloody opened a bottle. Mr Red suggested that I just drank one glass. I suspect that he thinks that I’m now “fixed” and I can drink normally. I am under no such illusions, and pointed out that if I opened a bottle,  I’d damn well drink it. And I did. And predictably, I felt invincible and just wanted to carry on drinking, so I convinced Mr Red to share another bottle with me. And then it was Valentine’s day, and the floodgates had been opened, so why the hell not share a bottle of champagne with Mr Red whilst I’m cooking the steak? And why not share not one but two more bottles of red wine with him… And then crack another bottle of champers? And last night? Hell,  I had a hangover, so I needed deep fried Chinese takeaway food, and a bottle of NZ Sauvignon Blanc, stat!! After that was done, I suggested sharing a bottle of fizz whilst we watched Vikings killing each other. Your classic Monday night in.

Annnnd today. Here I am. Feeling fuzzy headed, with the low level anxious dread, crushingly tired, incapable of focusing properly on any thought, and craving yes, you guessed it, more wine. Oh and I look like utter shit. I’ve been so ditzy and shambolic all day. My head just isn’t functioning, and messages from the ear to the brain processing unit are taking longer than they should and often becoming scrambled;  at one point today my eldest son ran into the kitchen shouting “Mummy, he’s just hit me with the big green strap-on”. WE HAVE A WHAT NOW??? Oh, you meant the jigsaw box with the green strap on it. Oky doke.

Well what a pillock I am. Took my eye off the ball there, felt invincible, and slipped straight back into the deep end of my dirty habit.

This was an entirely stupid thing to do, but at least I’ve proved to myself that I cannot moderate my alcohol intake. At all. And the way I’ve been feeling today has been a sharp and pointy reminder of just how amazing I’d been feeling sober; I’d utterly failed to appreciate that.

I think a lot of newly sober people get about a month under their belt, and start feeling as if they might have “reset” their drinking habits, and that perhaps they can moderate now, you know, drink “normally”. Well if that describes how you’re feeling right now, please take a lesson from my Book of Stupid. Allow me to be Red, the fluffy idiotic guinea pig, on your behalf. I thought those thoughts too, and I was so very wrong.

Getting through wine-o’clock was actually quite easy today; I spent it shuttling around in hospital having a mammogram & ultrasound, as I’ve been having strange pain in my left “boomer” recently. (Boomer – my children often mis-hear the names we use for bits of our anatomy, and we don’t correct them for purely comedy reasons. My daughter persists in calling her “ladybits” her “ladybird”. I should enlighten her, but it’s just too damn cute).

I’m very (very, very) pleased to say that I got a nice resounding all-clear from the boomer clinic after about two hours, and came away with a leaflet and prescription for diclofenac gel. As far as I’m concerned, that’s a most excellent result, especially as I’d started to feel the dread that they might just find something horrible. I can’t help thinking about the other ladies sat in the waiting room today, going through the same thing. I really, really hope they all got good news too. And I’m going to remember the advice of  the Chief Medical Officer here in the UK, Dame Sally Davies, who advised us all recently to “think about cancer before you have a glass of wine”. That’s a good deterrent, if ever I heard one.

So, my friends, it’s back to Day 1 for silly old Red. Please stick with me.

Red xx

 

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44 thoughts on “Red’s new experiment in stupidity”

  1. It’s like when you have a massive deep cut that is beginning to heal. It’s red raw and angry and hurts like the devil but then a part of you thinks ‘does it still hurt?’ So you poke it with your finger and ‘ouch’ yes it still hurts. Something about us thinks I just need to test this to see if it really was that bad, and three days later… Yep, it is that bad.
    I’ve been there too Red, many times. Just sorry you had to poke the cut. Well done for coming clean though, best way. I had a small worry about you when 1. You hadn’t posted and 2. You weren’t commenting on other blogs.
    Glad you are ok and glad you are back. Lesson learned, now move forward.
    Big hugs xxx

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    1. Thanks Ginger – nicely put! I’ve always been one for prodding things I shouldn’t.. I feel like a newbie again, but I’m hopeful that three days hasn’t done too much damage so I’m not going quite so far back to where I was just before Xmas. I hope youre doing ok?? Red xx

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  2. We’ve all been there Red! Isn’t it incredible how quickly your brain starts to play tricks on you and the little wine goblin starts whispering in your ear. Thanks for taking one for the team and reminding us that it’s not worth giving in to him 😉 And good on you for picking up where you left off, that’s hard to do.

    Also, ‘ladybirds’ and ‘boomers’ – hahaha too cute!

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  3. Hey Red! Don’t beat yourself up! You have been doing amazing and made some big changes. Isn’t the next day after drinking and needing a drink to feel better the worst as well as eating the crappy greasy food! arghh been there a million times! Glad you are back posting. I enjoy reading your blog!!

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    1. Hey there TWTIK – great to see you back to blogging too! Yes, I’m still feeling rubbish now and craving bad food. It’s been very interesting to see the complete change in my cravings as soon as I was hungover again.. so you and I are starting again together eh, let’s keep a damn good check on each other! Red xx

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  4. Oh Red, I know just exactly how you feel. We ALL do. And you made me sober big belly laugh at the strap-on thing…oh dear Jeebus! Hilarious!! This sobriety thing is no piece of cake lady! We slip sometimes. We fall (and get covered with bruises and burn pizzas). And then we realize we want and deserve something better for ourselves and we get back to it. Thank goodness your binge only lasted a few days and not a year, right? So happy to have you back with us. We can do this hard, hard thing. I know we can! Lots of love and hugs to you!

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      1. Oh Lordy. I have no idea how I survived sometimes. When I was in college, I passed out in the middle of boiling macaroni for Mac and cheese…woke to charred non-recognizable crap in a pan and the apartment stank like burning for a week. The bottom straight up fell out of the saucepan. And it was a gas burner.

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  5. OMG! I started reading this and I wanted to do one of those slo-mo dives where I bat the bottle of wine out of your hands while shouting: “Noooooooooooooo…….” Sorry I couldn’t get there in time- there was traffic:) So in light of this I absolutely prescribe as many Reeses bars as you need! In fact, I’ll have one in your honor.

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    1. Thankyou – I will be eating plenty of Reeses over the next few days I think. . In fact I’ve just polished off an enormous lemon muffin. The size of my head. I LOVE the idea of you doing a slo-mo slide in there to knock the bottle from my hand. I’m going to imagine that next time I’m tempted!!! Red xx

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    1. SWE – really glad you’re still here! I’m on day/night 2 now, so let’s stick together. Nights are hard. But we can do it! And at least you know that when you reach day 40, and you’re feeling amazing (but maybe slightly complacent), you can remember the cautionary tale here in this blog!! Red xx

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  6. Dearest Red – totally sticking with you wing woman. I can only reiterate more of the same of the above. Don’t beat yourself up – we’ve all been there and I so do not feel out of the woods yet. (left field cravings coming thick and fast). As SM has said – wine witch knows our guard is down now pink cloud phase over – and she’s striking hard. Not sure if I’ve got my phases right but who cares!). Looking back – I spent most of last year doing exactly what you describe above. I’d have a few weeks of feeling awesome sober then congratulate myself with a drink (aka massive binge for days and weeks), then try again. At various stages throughout the past few years I’ve tried to moderate – and I always end up in the same position -several bottles of champers and red wine later just feeling awful. So dust yourself down my girl. You’re going to be just fine. (so glad about your test results by the way) Keep posting – because we’re all here for you – and selfishly – we all love your fabulously witty posts (boomers and ladybirds – will make me smile and laugh for a long time). Lots of Love SFM xxx

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    1. Aww thanks SFM – you always make me smile!!! Sorry to hear you’re beset with the pesky cravings too. Please think of me if you’re tempted. I still feel like shit today despite no drinks last night, and I slept appallingly badly. It’s just flippin poison to some of us, isn’t it? Red xx

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  7. Ah red. It’s ok, sometimes I think it needs to be done. Just to remind ourselves of how poxy it really is. (This will not be an excuse to myself to drink – I just wanted to remind myself of how horrible it is) Onward and upward now. We’re all here for you. xxx

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  8. Cheers MTTS! It truly is poxy & awful. I know I’ll feel better by the weekend but I’m still so disappointed in meself. I think there’s a few of us being tempted at the mo. I blame gray old crappy February! Red xx

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  9. Hi Red and welcome back! After about seven and a half months of sobriety in 2014, and thinking that I’d “reset” my drinking habits, I spent a whole year carrying out a ‘Drinking in Moderation Experiment’. It failed, of course. So hats off to you for ending your experiment after just three days! It takes some of us waaaaaay longer. x

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  10. Red, I did the same last Friday after 2 weeks alcohol free and I really see it as a step backwards to move forwards. I’m really enjoying your blog so keep up the great work.

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    1. Thankyou, and thanks for taking the time to read all my waffle. Keep meaning to read back myself as a reminder of what not to do 😉 If I look back over this year, my AF time far outweighs any other year (apart from pregnancies). So on a graph, I’d be looking good overall despite relapses 😉 xx

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