Tonight I need to record how I’ve been feeling over the last 3 to 4 days, so I can re-read it when I get the urge to open a bottle of wine and inhale it. Here’s a little list, for Future-Red to review in times of temptation. I have mostly been:
- Feeling fuzzy and achy around the eyes.
- Feeling queasy. Very, very queasy on Monday morning…
- Had a raging headache (Sunday, most of Monday, part of Tuesday.
- Lethargic. I have all the verve and sparkle of a three-toed sloth.
- Anxious; about nothing specific, just vague low-level buzz of impending doom.
- In a low, snippy mood. Not much has amused me today. I’ve been patient with the kids, but distinctly grumpy with Mr Red.
- Wet-brained. By this, I mean if I’m asked random simple questions, I’m struggling. Being asked my date of birth by health professionals was causing me to pause for an unnaturally long time yesterday.
- Unable to multitask! I’m a woman, I should be able to multitask in my sleep for chrissakes.
- Making some truly dire food choices. If it’s not deep fried, salt-encrusted meat or carbs, it’s sugar coated chocolate with extra jam. And PB.
- Low on confidence. And I look like shit. The sight of my eyes in the mirror this morning horrified me. I looked about 20 years older, and grey. Oh and one eyelid was randomly puffy, and looked like it had slipped downwards about an inch. Sexy, no?
- Sleeping badly. I had horrendous night sweats last night; I woke about 4 or 5 times, drenched all down my front. Yeuch.
- Unable to concentrate. I was driving all 3 children back from their grandparents this evening, through very wet conditions on the motorway, in the dark. Way too many lorries, far too much surface water on the road. Now add into the mix a small boy who’s just discovered the sheer joy of arithmetic, and has developed a tendency to bark random maths questions at me from the backseat: “Mummy, Mummy, what’s 2 plus 7? What’s 23 minus 4? What’s 1,000,010 plus 2? (I kid you not, he actually asked me that). I nearly had to pull over in a panic and phone someone for help. Carol Vorderman might have been useful.
But only last week, I was taking situations like that completely in my stride. I was On Fire. Better than I’ve been for years. I need to get back there fast and then not take it for granted for a second.
I’ve briefly looked back over my earlier blog posts this evening. I seem to have been on some sort of roller coaster of hysteria, verging from happy to (mostly child-provoked) near-lunacy. I think on reflection, I need to focus on the positives a little more, whine a HELL of a lot less, and remember why I’m doing it, time.
Thanks for all the support yesterday & today folks. You’re all awesome!