Remember this, Red!

Tonight I need to record how I’ve been feeling over the last 3 to 4 days, so I can re-read it when I get the urge to open a bottle of wine and inhale it. Here’s a little list, for Future-Red to review in times of temptation. I have mostly been:

  • Feeling fuzzy and achy around the eyes.
  • Feeling queasy. Very, very queasy on Monday morning…
  • Had a raging headache (Sunday, most of Monday, part of Tuesday.
  • Lethargic. I have all the verve and sparkle of a three-toed sloth.
  • Anxious; about nothing specific, just vague low-level buzz of impending doom.
  • In a low, snippy mood. Not much has amused me today. I’ve been patient with the kids, but distinctly grumpy with Mr Red.
  • Wet-brained. By this, I mean if I’m asked random simple questions, I’m struggling. Being asked my date of birth by health professionals was causing me to pause for an unnaturally long time yesterday.
  • Unable to multitask! I’m a woman, I should be able to multitask in my sleep for chrissakes.
  • Making some truly dire food choices.  If it’s not deep fried, salt-encrusted meat or carbs,  it’s sugar coated chocolate with extra jam. And PB.
  • Low on confidence. And I look like shit. The sight of my eyes in the mirror this morning horrified me. I looked about 20 years older, and grey. Oh and one eyelid was randomly puffy, and looked like it had slipped downwards about an inch.  Sexy, no?
  • Sleeping badly. I had horrendous night sweats last night; I woke about 4 or 5 times, drenched all down my front. Yeuch.
  • Unable to concentrate. I was driving all 3 children back from their grandparents this evening, through very wet conditions on the motorway, in the dark. Way too many lorries, far too much surface water on the road. Now add into the mix a small boy who’s just discovered the sheer joy of arithmetic, and has developed a tendency to bark random maths questions at me from the backseat: “Mummy, Mummy, what’s 2 plus 7? What’s 23 minus 4? What’s 1,000,010 plus 2? (I kid you not, he actually asked me that). I nearly had to pull over in a panic and phone someone for help. Carol Vorderman might have been useful.

But only last week, I was taking situations like that completely in my stride. I was On Fire. Better than I’ve been for years. I need to get back there fast and then not take it for granted for a second.

I’ve briefly looked back over my earlier blog posts this evening. I seem to have been on some sort of roller coaster of hysteria,  verging from happy to (mostly child-provoked) near-lunacy. I think on reflection,  I need to focus on the positives a little more, whine a HELL of a lot less, and remember why I’m doing it, time.

Thanks for all the support yesterday & today folks. You’re all awesome!

Red xx

 

 

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21 thoughts on “Remember this, Red!”

  1. Dear Red,
    I kept a list like this in my car when I was first trying to get sober.
    I had a bad list..all the things that happened when I drank.
    Then I had a good list..all the good things that happened when I was sober.
    They both helped, and I still do.
    Hugs!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Red, lists are a great idea. I haven’t done one yet but I should. I think we do forget how bad it was, especially after a bit of time has passed. Hopefully it works for you. Stay strong. A x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for sharing your list, Mrs. Sparkly three-toed sloth! 😉 I think it’s great you are reflecting on previous posts, as well as remembering how much easier it is to deal with crappy things when we are sober. Ugh, I hate the anxiety and night sweats, I got them too when I first quit! And the bitchy hangover that lasts for daaaaaaays. Blech. I am so sorry you have to go through all that, but so happy that you are using this experience to grow. You got this. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I shudder just reading your post and remembering how awful it felt to be in the thick of the weeds after a drinking binge…my heart goes out to you. Even though the drinking seems like a setback, I really think this is a critical time in your recovery where you’ve been given a gift of being able to really see the alcohol for what it is and what it does to you because you had that time sober, you have something to compare it to. Alcohol can be good at tricking our brains…so any time you can get a good dose of reality that gives you clarity and strengthens your resolve…well I say that is a win. You tested the waters…and you got your results…now on to self-care and sobriety.
    Jenn

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  5. These lists only work if you read them at the time! I have written lists for myself but when I got caught up in the to-ing and fro-ing of whether I should drink or not, I always conveniently forgot to read the list. Before I started blogging I kept a drunk journal ie every time I decided to stop drinking I would write down a similar list of all the reasons why I wanted to stop. Saddest thing is, when I have read this back sober it is page after page of repetative lists each one written as if it was a new realisation that time. Oh how shameful that I couldn’t even remember. My advice would be read it every day morning or evening as a reminder.
    Well done though on putting together a useful tool for the future and once more committing yourself to sobriety.

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  6. Red, you made me smile, well laugh quite a lot actually. I’m sorry, its not a funny situation but I have been somewhat introspective and down myself this week. I was wondering where some of you had gone but I’m glad most of you are back, albeit with stories to tell. Red, you and the other gals put a light-hearted spin on what must be a challenging few days but I for one will learn from your messages because I don’t want to have to do these hard yards again. Its not that I have craved a drink this week, its more just a generally lowness, mood, energy and motivation. Your blogs are a highpoint of my day. I’ll hit 50 days this weekend and assuming I survive the next few weekends, I will have been sober for a longer contiguous period that anytime since I was 17 (54 in a few weeks) – that is simultaneously a frightening and rather depressing thought but its also got to be a positive. I am also genuinely excited by what SM describes as the “field beyond the wall” or whatever it was. I am more than curious about how it might feel. Just to avoid temptation, I wouldn’t mind being up in that space station with Tim Peak (although I bet the russians have got a stash of vodka – which might not be such a good idea as a pissed and weightless justonemore in a spacesuit might be a thought too far – light sabres anyone?). Anyway, before I get too carried away, you made me laugh, you made me think and you give me some much needed strength. Must pop off and read Groundhog Girl and TWTIK and try not too swear on SM’s blog but that was traffic related and I’m not facing the M25/M3/A303 until tomorrow.

    Have a good night – some me time should be high on your list.

    Justonemore

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I read somewhere that yes the Russians do have vodka on the space station and all the other nations are amazed by this. Well done on 50 days, you’ll soon be 54 @ 54, buy yourself something significant. Do you have a blog?

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    2. Haha – you make me laugh Justonemore.. and congrats on the impending milestone, that’s awesome! I’m looking forward to hearing how it is from beyond the wall when you get there, my friend. I’ll be right behind you!! Red xx

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  7. Hi Red – I love your posts. Give me such a laugh – which is good when I’ve been yelling at my kids for most of the day. I’m so glad you’re back on track after what is really a minor blip. My new year debacle lasted 3 days and my prev slip ups at end of last year were fairly short lived and I think that has definitely helped my resolve this time round. I think in some ways we shouldn’t reset the counter to day 1 because I think it helps to feel that you’re on day forty something – in other words – don’t’ mess up forty something days of sobriety isbtead of 1 or 2 – I don’t know I’m still an amateur at this so maybe don’t listen to me!! I have my list of reasons for quitting and my high bottom moments (as SM once called it), and it does help when I re read it. Before I had actually written it down I would conveniently forget all those shameful things and my automatic hand would just open the bottle before I had a chance to think about it too much. I agree with another comment about it being important to read the list as a matter of course even when you’re feeling really positive, because by the time a strong craving comes along in my experience it’s too late. Things going reasonably well here. I know I don’t want to drink but I am getting a few misty eyed memories of the good times which are still causing a few left field cravings. Guess I’m not over the wall yet. I’d better go and read my reasons and ‘high bottom’ list!!! Lots of love Red – so glad you’re back. Love SFM xx

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