Pillock

What a great word “pillock” is. And it describes me perfectly; yes, you guessed it, I’ve been quiet because I’ve been back on the sauce. It started fairly gradually, but predictably it’s snowballed in the last few days, and I’m very hungover and jaded today, after a head on collision with beer, then wine, then fizzy stuff last night.

I suppose at least I’m reflecting on what went wrong, instead of burying my head in the sand. At around 40 days, I was really starting to enjoy feeling so “together”. I felt like my brain was sparking back into life after the years of poisoning. I’d got pretty organised; I was much more on top of everything in my busy life. I’d even done some DIY, for goodness sake. Turns out I’m not too bad at it either. So on the one hand I was feeling good, but I also still felt very weary, lacking in energy, a bit “meh”.  And those thoughts started creeping back in; where’s the spark in life without wine? How do I really relax and have fun? Surely I should feel amazing, and I just don’t, so why not have a drink? And I knew damn well Mr Red was mostly thinking “jeez, life is boring with this sober woman who makes me actually do stuff at the weekend”.

So I had my “fuck it” thoughts, and now I’m back to feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and the house is back to being a tip. I look (and probably smell) like Stig of the Dump today, and I’ve been positively embarrassed to be seen out on the school run. Getting everyone up and ready for the day was an utter shambles this morning, and culminated in my eldest son nearly setting off for school with a pair of my lacy undergarments attached to the velcro on his school coat. They’d become entangled whilst in the tumble dryer, and in my half-blind hungover state I nearly failed to spot them. Close call.

I’m back to fighting the battle with the craving this evening. I caught myself thinking “oh today would be a crap day to stop; my soberversary would only come around once every four years! I’ll start tomorrow”. Shows the level of foolery my brain gets up to eh?

So I’ve been gathering strength from reading all of your blogs. I’m writing on here again in the hope that this will keep me accountable.

The list I wrote here just over a week ago obviously did not work. At All. Groundhog Girl was totally right in her comment, and lists are all well and good but seem to require tattooing on the inside of my eyelids in order to be effective. Maybe I do need to have a reminder tattooed on me; preferably on my drinking arm.. I already have a tattoo on that wrist anyway, which I was planning to expand. Perhaps I could have the words “Put It Down, Woman!!” inked onto the back of my hand. Or maybe “You Pillock”. Yes, that could work!

Anyway – tonight I wish all you lovely people from this amazing sober blogging community just lived down the road, and we could all meet up for tea and cake and lovely sober treats and just talk and understand each other. Thank goodness for the interwebby thingummy. I’ll try to keep blogging, in the hope it will keep me straight.

Red xx

 

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Pillock”

  1. I do too!
    I would hug you, too.
    And have tea and cakes!
    Then we could talk. I have several sober buddies I can talk with in person.
    It really can help.
    Build each day at a time, and then…all will be well.
    xo
    Wendy

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  2. How good would that be?!! I would love to have sober friends in real life.
    I would also give you a hug and tell you it’s ok. To get back on that horse and try again. Every time you fall off you become a bit stronger. You can do this. A x

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  3. So good to hear from you again. I’ve missed your posts. So hilarious picturing the undies on sons coat scenario!! Once again don’t beat yourself up. If you’re a pillock ( great word) so are the rest of us because we’ve all been there. You’re so describing my thoughts from last year. I always had another spurious reason why today wasn’t the day to give up ( like your feb 29), so I totally get that. You will so do this red – I know you will. I’m still at early days and my list of awfulness is managing to keep me strong. The longer I go the easier it is becoming ( hope that is encouraging) and it’s getting past those early days to this field of bunnies which is just so damn difficult. i have managed to quit my hot choc habit but have substituted it for other sweet treats. Fitness side of things so going great ( with no hangovers etc) so while I stay AF – I’m not sweating the unhealthy things that keep me away from the dreaded wine witch. Anyway here’s to lots of virtual tea cake and hugs. Time to reboot and get back on with it. Lots of love. Keep blogging – really keeps me going. Love SFM x

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    1. Ahh, thanks SFM!!! We need to get to that field of bunnies quickly! I’m so impatient that’s half the problem. You’re doing amazingly, wish I could rewind. Love that your exercise is going well. I need to start that, I know once you start it becomes so much easier, and I could use those endorphins right now! Love hearing from you xx Red xx

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  4. I wish I lived near you too, like just up the road, I would come round now with home made fruit scones which we would have with tea and we could talk it all out. I only have the blogging world to talk to, no one real. Take care the rest of the day xxxxxxx

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    1. Oh Grace, I nearly groaned out loud with longing for the scones and tea and company… wouldn’t it be awesome? I’ll keep doing the UK lottery, and when I win big I’ll spend my time and fortune on getting us all together for support. I’ll fly round the world with a bag of scones 😉 Red xx

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    1. Yay TWTIK! Day two nearly done, we should be feeing pretty good tomorrow on day 3! Love having you with me on this. I was nearly half way to 100 with my last attempt, so we can totally do it. Keep with me. Red xx

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  5. Hey Red and TWTIK (I’ll probably say much the same thing to both of you), no words of wisdom here although I put some of my own insanely stupid past on TWTIK’s blog. I have been trying to take this road for 10 years and I do believe that one day it just clicks a bit more than all the other times. I remember trying to consciously quit smoking for years and then one day about 20 years ago, I just said fuck it – I don’t want to smell like this and not be able to run anymore without bringing my right lung up on the pavement. This no drinking thing is hard – its like my mirror aversion (I avoid my own eyes in the mirror and certainly any reflections around the waist – when does this wine belly reduction thing kick in by the way??). Anyway, in the same way I avoid mirrors – makes mornings a bit tricky, I avoid the idea of booze. I can’t think about holidays or the summer or other situations where I would get out of my skull at the drop of a hat. I just heard something on Simon Mayo’s show on Radio 2 from Marian Keyes (a reforming alcoholic – that makes it sound like a criminal offence!!). To paraphrase, we are human, we feel self-pity, anxious, depressed, joy, hope, euphoria (I added the positives) – its just the way we are and it doesn’t really change. Anyway Red, you make me laugh. I would hate you to be one of the blogs that falls silent and leaves you wondering what happened to the writer. Stick with it – highs and lows. The hangover sounds like shit though and a Monday to boot. A joke to finish – The instructions on my can of insect killer said: “Do not spray near eyes”. Sounded a bit tricky to me so I just sprayed the whole wasp!!

    I probably need to trot off and have a rant on SM’s blog about my last week’s trip to the West country courtesy of that most useless of rail companies GWR (25 minutes late again – compensation claimed!!!).

    Get some Ibobrufen down and plenty of fluids – well you know the drill – we all do…………..

    Justonemore

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    1. Ahh Justonemore, you make me laugh too! Thankyou for these wise and funny words to cheer my evening. And wine bellies? Mine’s back with a vengeance. My skinny jeans have been relegated to the back of the wardrobe again. For now! Red xx

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  6. Oh Red, I feel for you. Aaargh, those hangover mornings…your words really, REALLY struck a chord. Here’s the good news: you’re here, wanting to dust yourself off and with your eyes on the prize. One day at a time. You can do it. x

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    1. Thanks Sobergarden! How are you doing? Yep, the hangovers. It’s not just feeling ick and headaches, but what it does to my mood, concentration, anxiety, basic functioning. It’s awful. If only I could bottle it and just take a quick hit on it if I felt like a drink. It just fades too damn fast. Red xx

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      1. Blimey, just imagine bottling that…it makes me feel queasy just thinking about it. You’re right though – when you’re in the midst of living with hangovers, the rare moments of clarity where you realise just how totally shit hangovers are (i.e.their effect beyond the shakes, headaches and dodgy stomach), fade all too fast. Hang on in there Red. x

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  7. I think we should all pitch in and buy a sober island with plenty of lovely relaxing amenities and yoga and super yummy food. Hugs to you. I have so been where you are, and not so very long ago. Xoxo

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