Addictions

The title says it all – I’m considering tonight why I must throw myself into things so damned hard, and why those “things” are usually bad things.

I’ll explain.  For the last two weeks, Mr Red and I have been literally hibernating each evening, and living in the gloriously entertaining (and dare I say it, boobilicious) world of Game Of Thrones. We bought the box set, binge-watched series 1 – 4, consuming three, on occasion even four episodes per night. We pre-ordered series 5 to arrive the day of release, and we’ve continued in the same style. And to accompany this, we’ve been eating a smorgasbord of meats, cheeses, breads, and of course gallons of wine. We do like to get in character; we even had wild boar last night for goodness sake. From Lidl, I hasten to add. There was a rather thrilling warning on the packaging that it may contain pieces of lead shot. Yikes! How delightfully barbarian.

Each following morning, I’ve been waking feeling ropey, swearing not to drink that night and typically by lunchtime my resolve has failed. I’ve been easily managing to stay sober the three nights of the week before my work days, but the rest have involved at least a bottle of wine to myself, often a bit more.

I confess I’ve not felt a massive motivation to reign myself in yet, as I mostly feel like I’m doing ok. However my sensible brain is also aware that this is utter bollocks.

I’ve also been struggling massively with feeling life can’t be fun without beer and wine. Not so much on the G.O.T nights; to be honest, I think that the alcohol adds little to this. Frighteningly, a bottle barely gives me a buzz these days. And I’ve been an absolute sod for falling asleep multiple times in the last episode of the night. When I’ve watched it sober, I can stay awake and riveted to the end, with plenty of energy to rail on against why there needs to be quite so many “boomers” on display in every episode, whilst simultaneously drooling over Jaime Lannister.

The thing I really struggle with, are occasions like this last Saturday. A child-free afternoon and night, a trawl around our local craft beer havens, followed by home, music, silly dancing. Air guitar. It was SO much fun. But Sunday morning was not, as you can imagine.

My brain tells me that I will lose this if I stop, all this spontaneous fun. (However Anne from Ainsobriety is constantly proving me wrong here,  what with all the fun she’s been having going to gigs!!). I wonder if I can stop drinking during the week, and then “save” myself for bingey, fun blowouts? And I also know this not to be true – I can’t moderate in anything, no, I throw myself in, hedonistic and head first, weak woman that I am.

Another thing is work. My job, and Mr Red’s business is basically all about wine and beer. Literally. I’m expected to drink! (In moderation of course). How is there a place here for a sober Red? Where will I fit?

I also wonder what I could achieve if I stopped. If I could throw my addictive headlong personality into honing my body, making myself stronger? Just fucking improving? Could that be the answer? Could the endorphins provide the rush I constantly crave?

I’ve decided to continue blogging here even though I’m not on “that train” at the moment, as I’m still thinking, thinking, thinking, and evaluating all the time. I still appreciate all the incredible support from you all, I hope to live up to it soon.

Red xx

Ps for any concerned animal lovers, the cat is alive and well, just still slightly (ahem) shaved looking.

 

 

Advertisements

32 thoughts on “Addictions”

  1. I tried many path of self improvement, unable to believe alcohol was the actual problem. It had to be me…

    All those stronger, fitter, thinner attempts were exhausting. And, pointless.

    I was never happy. Never proud of myself and always regretting something. I wasn’t always even sure what that was.

    The fullness and ease of sober life is hard to believe. I fit in the world. A world I never ever fit in before, that I drink to fit into.

    I tried really hard to make weekend drinking work. Really hard. And it never did and it seems so crazy now.

    Anyway, I’m cheering you on, regardless. This is not easy.

    We are off to see Offspring this weekend! Lol there will be pictures!

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I too struggled with this before I stopped. I thought life would be boring and not as exciting without wine in it. But I couldn’t go on like I was so I thought I’d try not drinking anyway. And you know what? It’s not boring. It’s not exciting all the time, but I don’t think it was before either. I just didn’t notice that when I had copious amounts of wine on board. Life goes on without wine, a fun life. Who knew?! Give it a try. A x

    Like

    1. Thanks Angie – am coming back around to the fact I need to try it out again! My life’s certainly not exciting at the time at the mo – can’t be if I need to escape into the TV every night.. Red xx

      Like

  3. What can I add? Been there and tried that – the weekend drinking, I mean. It always worked for a while. And then Thursday was the new Friday, and then Hump Day needed wine, and then Mondays? If you get through a Monday, you’ve got to drink right? I’m not being flippant, I know exactly where you are. One thing I can say though – about your job being associated with alcohol…I think you are bullshitting yourself (in the nicest possible way). My Aunt ran a pub in East London for decades. It was a going concern. People bought her drinks all night long, every night. She aways had orange juice. She never touched a drop of booze, her entire life. Don’t fall into the trap of ‘I’ve got to drink, it’s expected”. And if, your job is “Chief Wine Taster” – then ‘spit or quit” xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha – oh we always spit Jackie, it’s just that the tasting leads to the bad thoughts of the swallowing a whole bottle 😉 Good to hear about your Aunt though, and it almost sounds like it should be out of a film or something; East End pub, Krays etc . Anyway I digress. You’re entirely right, the weekend drinking always creeps up and up. And I feel so good this morning, facing a day with the Redlets, sans hangover. Onwards and upwards! Red xx

      Like

  4. I am enthralled by the fact that you ate wild boar. And yay for GOT!! Can’t wait for the new season to come out!! I binge watched it all too.

    I used to have fun when I was drinking, for years. And then it was only sometimes fun. And then it was mostly not. It got sad and lonely and confusing and angry and I was all over the place inside. I had to stop because it was ruining me. I wanted to die. It works, until it doesn’t, and only you can decide when that is. I’m not too far along on this try at sobriety (50 days) but I am doing things differently this time (got a sober coach) and life is so, so, so much better. I have faith that it will only continue to get even better and better as time goes on. I want that for you too. It was so effing dark and ugly for me, stuck in that booze filled crevasse…pull yourself out before you reach that point if you can! But I totally understand, sometimes we have to go there before we decide to hoist ourselves out. I know I did. Many hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there Commotiocordis.Thanks for this – and yes I think my drinking “fun” is following a similar path. A sober coach sounds interesting – is this via AA? 50 days is awesome, congratulations to you, it must be feeling so good! Red xx

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaaaa..oh the poor cat. I would, but I feel it would be a gross invasion of privacy and a breach of trust ;-). He did look utterly comical in the cone with the shaved bits. Poor dejected creature; he’s a lot happier now! Red xx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Just sending you so much love, I have no advice to offer (for obvious reasons!). Not sure what we did to deserve this horrible addiction. Virtual hugs xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Red!
    I felt like I could never have fun without drinking for years.
    The problem was, for me, I progressed to where most of the time, it was not fun.
    I am proving to myself that life is fun.
    I don’t need to drink.
    Are there a few times I wish I could still drink?
    To be honest, yes there is.
    (Dinner parties with old couple friends are still hard for me.)
    The rest of the time I am so happy I am not drinking.
    Hubs and I are so much happier!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Red, I miss the drinking bit and the associations it has with aspects of my life for the last 30 plus years. I am consciously avoiding situations and stuff and haven’t yet figured out how I will cope with other events in the coming months. I do know that what I have been doing for so long is likely to have a lethal effect and in the past, I have just avoiding dwelling too long on the more unpleasant and permanent aspects of long term drinking but this time I have used those thoughts to scare myself into this attempt to stop, I’m 54. I could probably get away with another few years of drinking but I suspect that the pains, digestion (I won’t dwell on the detail), high blood pressure, memory loss etc will one day cause someone in the medical profession (who I have been less than truthful with) to give me the good news. So no drink for 11 long weekends now. I haven’t lost any weight, maybe even the reverse and I don’t feel much better in myself – not a great advert really but I made myself a promise. You’ll know when and if the time is right for you. A drinking trigger for me was always Antiques Roadshow on a Sunday – so at least I’ve got until the autumn for the new series. Must be an age thing.

    Justonemore

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So many drinking triggers, Justonemore, so bloody many! !! I wish I had your determination right now. You’re doing amazingly well… hope the health problems start settling down. It seems cruel that we don’t suddenly feel completely amazing when we stop drinking. I felt like crap for most of January. You’d think after stopping all that poisoning of ourselves, we’d feel about 20 again…!! Humph. So glad you’re still here, strong one. Red xx

      Like

  8. Hey Red, good to have you back! I started reading your post thinking wouldn’t it be amazing if we could throw ourselves into ‘good things’ with the same all out intensity that we throw ourselves into ‘bad things’. Then I got thinking.. perhaps one of the biggest drivers for me (and maybe you?) is that I DO throw myself into ‘good’ things (usually for the benefit of other people) and then I reward myself with ‘bad things’ (ice cream, crisps, box sets and chocolate are just as dangerous as wine in our household!) Why is moderation (of anything) so hard for some people I wonder?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Moderation is very hard. In the absence of wine, I’m currently lying in bed, binge-eating chocolate praline seashells like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve no self restraint! Why can’t I binge-exercise, or binge-marathon run???

      Yes I agree about all the giving of ourselves then the reward. I feel I need a reward each day. Just need to reprogram our brains into realising reward = supergreen smoothie or something!! Red xx

      Like

  9. Hi red – so good to hear from you. Keep blogging – drinking or otherwise. I can resonate with everything you say. I could not imagine enjoying life without drinking once upon a time but I have to say that every aspect of my life feels better sans alcohol. And every relationship is better – less snappy with kids and hubby. I guess I had got to that point where for the majority of the time it was no longer fun. And even when it was fun – the morning after was never fun. I admit I sometimes long for a cold bubbles or sauv on a hot day and a nice warm red or spirit in a cold night ( oops careful SFM – don’t get too wistful!! Haha) , but I know I wouldn’t stop at the happy 1 or 2 I would want to go in to the while bottle and more till the messy stage. Reading through my List of horrors helps. And just the thought of being back at day 1 with all those yucky physical symptoms – keeps me from pouring that first glass. Happy Easter weekend red. Here for you when you’re ready again. Love SFM x

    Like

  10. Yeah Red, get yourself back on this side of the fence. It’s crap but I feel self-righteous sat here in Costa with my Americano (not even a fucking latte as am now reducing sugar as well as cutting out the booze), plus I get to walk back past a packed wine bar full of evil drinkers (irony) enjoying this sunny spring evening. Not bitter at all here!!

    Justonemore

    Like

    1. He he.. I think the reason I always gain weight when I quit drinking is I substitute chocolate cake, crisps and ice cream! Feel proud of your self Justonemore as that’s a big mountain to climb! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Yeah come on red – get stuck back in with reese and his pieces! I’m right there with you SWMum. I am wrestling the kids for the choc eggs ( just kidding) but this far in really wish I could sort out my choc habit!! Still think it’s better than alcohol though. And thankfully my increased fitness ability is so far compensating!

    Like

    1. Hey SFM!!! How are you doing? Oh the chocolate; it’s my downfall. Ate so many lidl-version praline seashells in January I nearly turned into one. Trouble is I’ve been drinking wine recently, but still eating the damned seashells… time for action, methinks!! Red xx

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s