The title says it all – I’m considering tonight why I must throw myself into things so damned hard, and why those “things” are usually bad things.
I’ll explain. For the last two weeks, Mr Red and I have been literally hibernating each evening, and living in the gloriously entertaining (and dare I say it, boobilicious) world of Game Of Thrones. We bought the box set, binge-watched series 1 – 4, consuming three, on occasion even four episodes per night. We pre-ordered series 5 to arrive the day of release, and we’ve continued in the same style. And to accompany this, we’ve been eating a smorgasbord of meats, cheeses, breads, and of course gallons of wine. We do like to get in character; we even had wild boar last night for goodness sake. From Lidl, I hasten to add. There was a rather thrilling warning on the packaging that it may contain pieces of lead shot. Yikes! How delightfully barbarian.
Each following morning, I’ve been waking feeling ropey, swearing not to drink that night and typically by lunchtime my resolve has failed. I’ve been easily managing to stay sober the three nights of the week before my work days, but the rest have involved at least a bottle of wine to myself, often a bit more.
I confess I’ve not felt a massive motivation to reign myself in yet, as I mostly feel like I’m doing ok. However my sensible brain is also aware that this is utter bollocks.
I’ve also been struggling massively with feeling life can’t be fun without beer and wine. Not so much on the G.O.T nights; to be honest, I think that the alcohol adds little to this. Frighteningly, a bottle barely gives me a buzz these days. And I’ve been an absolute sod for falling asleep multiple times in the last episode of the night. When I’ve watched it sober, I can stay awake and riveted to the end, with plenty of energy to rail on against why there needs to be quite so many “boomers” on display in every episode, whilst simultaneously drooling over Jaime Lannister.
The thing I really struggle with, are occasions like this last Saturday. A child-free afternoon and night, a trawl around our local craft beer havens, followed by home, music, silly dancing. Air guitar. It was SO much fun. But Sunday morning was not, as you can imagine.
My brain tells me that I will lose this if I stop, all this spontaneous fun. (However Anne from Ainsobriety is constantly proving me wrong here, what with all the fun she’s been having going to gigs!!). I wonder if I can stop drinking during the week, and then “save” myself for bingey, fun blowouts? And I also know this not to be true – I can’t moderate in anything, no, I throw myself in, hedonistic and head first, weak woman that I am.
Another thing is work. My job, and Mr Red’s business is basically all about wine and beer. Literally. I’m expected to drink! (In moderation of course). How is there a place here for a sober Red? Where will I fit?
I also wonder what I could achieve if I stopped. If I could throw my addictive headlong personality into honing my body, making myself stronger? Just fucking improving? Could that be the answer? Could the endorphins provide the rush I constantly crave?
I’ve decided to continue blogging here even though I’m not on “that train” at the moment, as I’m still thinking, thinking, thinking, and evaluating all the time. I still appreciate all the incredible support from you all, I hope to live up to it soon.
Ps for any concerned animal lovers, the cat is alive and well, just still slightly (ahem) shaved looking.