Actually, when you add it up, it’s a sick 4.5 hours, when you factor in three kids under 5 who have no concept of an ill parent, and the school run. But anyway, I’m in bed with tea, which is unprecedented at this time of day.
I have a new set of antibiotics, am planning to allow myself to rest tomorrow too, and the upside of this illness is I have absolutely no desire to drink! But I feel like shit. Bugger it.
On reading blogs and lovely comments from my sober buddies, it is striking me that having a supportive partner when you’re trying to stop must be amazingly helpful.
I think if Mr Red felt I drank too much, and thought I should stop, I’d find this a hell of a lot easier. As it is, he’s actually a barrier to me conquering this; I know he thinks I’m being extreme, can’t understand how I can contemplate a life without alcohol, and is certain we’ll stop ‘having fun’ if I stop drinking.
I can sense the barely-contained glee in him when I’ve given in after a period of sobriety before. When I don’t drink, he loses his guilt-free ability to drink, along with his time with fun, relaxed Red. I think it’s about 50/50 between those things.
I fear it will drive a wedge between us – my sobriety. I’m scared of losing him; he fell in love with the me that is/was “The Fun-Loving Party Girl” who adores drinking craft beef in pubs and talking on random afternoons, and drinking wine and listening to music under the stars in the garden on summer evenings. I’m scared that my much younger, extremely good-looking husband will drift away and find someone younger who will do all those things with him. (There seems to be a raft of younger mums in my new school-mum crowd, some of whom have actually told me he’s gorgeous. Flattering, and ultimately very unsettling).
We’re already not in a great place right now anyway – he told me last week he was feeling distant from me. I explained that I’m feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and the lack of input from him into anything apart from his business. A night of drinking and chatting seemed to help, but things are no better this week and we’ve had a blazing text-row this morning as I feel he’s not helped much (at all) while I’ve been ill. He’s still asking me “what’s for tea” when the kids have gone to bed FFS. I just want to go to bed myself!
Anyway – I’m sure I’m probably putting up barriers to dealing with my addiction by trying to side-shift the blame onto him here. I need to take responsibility for myself, and perhaps just crack on with it and prove to him that there will be benefits for him too when I stop: (list here as an aide-memoir)
- Last time I stopped, I dropped my excess weight and looked better than I have in ages. This can only be good.
- I actually found I started laughing at things more, belly-laughing. I was more fun, on reflection. Well, after about 3 weeks of being a miserable bitch.
- I felt a lot more like “sexy time” when I was sober. Not difficult, anything more than zero is good right? And I was better and more confident at “it” sober, and had outstandingly better orgasms. Again, better than zero, methinks. In fact I think I actually use drinking as a way of avoiding the issue of sex. I’m at the point most days where I can’t bear anyone else needing anything physical from me after the kids are in bed, there’s just nothing left in the bank.
- I’m more in control of general home-life, less stressed, and need less from him in terms of input in minor domestic things. I’m sure he’d consider this a benefit, as less is actually required of him.
I remember last time occasionally thinking “this would be easier if I was on my own”. I’m sure people might disagree, but hey, each situation has its own set of challenges. I don’t want it to come to that though, I love him and he’s my best mate. Most of the time.
Sorry for the needy ramble – perhaps I have a temperature from the “ick”. Ha!
Day 4, and heading for the weekend..