Sick day

Actually, when you add it up, it’s a sick 4.5 hours, when you factor in three kids under 5 who have no concept of an ill parent, and the school run. But anyway, I’m in bed with tea, which is unprecedented at this time of day.

I have a new set of antibiotics, am planning to allow myself to rest tomorrow too, and the upside of this illness is I have absolutely no desire to drink! But I feel like shit. Bugger it.

On reading blogs and lovely comments from my sober buddies, it is striking me that having a supportive partner when you’re trying to stop must be amazingly helpful.

I think if Mr Red felt I drank too much, and thought I should stop, I’d find this a hell of a lot easier. As it is, he’s actually a barrier to me conquering this; I know he thinks I’m being extreme, can’t understand how I can contemplate a life without alcohol, and is certain we’ll stop ‘having fun’ if I stop drinking.

I can sense the barely-contained glee in him when I’ve given in after a period of sobriety before. When I don’t drink, he loses his guilt-free ability to drink, along with his time with fun, relaxed Red. I think it’s about 50/50 between those things.

I fear it will drive a wedge between us – my sobriety. I’m scared of losing him; he fell in love with the me that is/was “The Fun-Loving Party Girl” who adores drinking craft beef in pubs and talking on random afternoons, and drinking wine and listening to music under the stars in the garden on summer evenings. I’m scared that my much younger, extremely good-looking husband will drift away and find someone younger who will do all those things with him. (There seems to be a raft of younger mums in my new school-mum crowd, some of whom have actually told me he’s gorgeous. Flattering, and ultimately very unsettling).

We’re already not in a great place right now anyway – he told me last week he was feeling distant from me. I explained that I’m feeling overwhelmed with all my responsibilities and the lack of input from him into anything apart from his business. A night of drinking and chatting seemed to help, but things are no better this week and we’ve had a blazing text-row this morning as I feel he’s not helped much (at all) while I’ve been ill. He’s still asking me “what’s for tea” when the kids have gone to bed FFS. I just want to go to bed myself!

Anyway – I’m sure I’m probably putting up barriers to dealing with my addiction by trying to side-shift the blame onto him here. I need to take responsibility for myself, and perhaps just crack on with it and prove to him that there will be benefits for him too when I stop: (list here as an aide-memoir)

  • Last time I stopped, I dropped my excess weight and looked better than I have in ages. This can only be good.
  • I actually found I started laughing at things more, belly-laughing. I was more fun, on reflection. Well, after about 3 weeks of being a miserable bitch.
  • I felt a lot more like “sexy time” when I was sober. Not difficult, anything more than zero is good right? And I was better and more confident at “it” sober, and had outstandingly better orgasms. Again, better than zero, methinks. In fact I think I actually use drinking as a way of avoiding the issue of sex. I’m at the point most days where I can’t bear anyone else needing anything physical from me after the kids are in bed, there’s just nothing left in the bank.
  • I’m more in control of general home-life, less stressed, and need less from him in terms of input in minor domestic things. I’m sure he’d consider this a benefit, as less is actually required of him.

I remember last time occasionally thinking “this would be easier if I was on my own”. I’m sure people might disagree, but hey, each situation has its own set of challenges. I don’t want it to come to that though, I love him and he’s my best mate. Most of the time.

Sorry for the needy ramble – perhaps I have a temperature from the “ick”. Ha!

Day 4, and heading for the weekend..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Sick day”

  1. Oh Red, soooo much going on for you right now. It does all sound very exhausting and overwhelming but this too shall pass. Everything seems so much worse when you are feeling under the weather, on top of that you are still going through detox, a mum of 3 kids under 5, a challenging job even if it is not full time it’s still a huge chunk of time. As for your husband Mr Red, well I have never married so can’t give too much advice but I am sure all marriages go through tough times especially with all of the above stressors and him starting this business venture. He is scared he is going to lose his drinking buddy and gain a sober judge and to some extent he is right, he will lose his drinking buddy if you stop. Having said that though if you are committed to not drinking you need to ask him to get on board with your decision and try and work it out from there. My friend quit and her fella was a bit grumbly at first, now he sees that she is better, happier, steadier and like the girl he first met. You said recently he felt distant from you but that would have been when you were drinking so the alcohol is not always adding to the idea of a fun relationship. This is all too much to comment on as I am your blog buddy but don’t know your life. In summary I can only say that you must do what is right for you, whatever that is. Your marriage will go the way it will go and this is just one off the blips that happen. Take care of number one cos you are the glue in that family. I only wish you strength and health Red. You have my email if you want more words of wisd… Well words anyway. Big hugs to you

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  2. Hey Red
    Sorry you having such a hard time. I remember when my kids where little and we were up at a cottage ( canadian speak for house by the lake) and I would go for these long swims just so none could hang off or ask to be carried etc.. Your hubby is probably under stress with 3 kids and his business. I am sure if you having a little more “sexy time” that will trump you drinking with him, trust me on this one from one who knows. He has not put that together yet 🙂
    I am also on day 2 again (arghhhhh) so I feel your pain. I hope you feel better soon and stay in bed and rest. Can you bring in your mom or Mother in law to help? When you are feeling better physically, everything will seem better.
    xoxox
    TWTIK

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry you are back at day 2, you were doing great. Love that you are pushing the sexy time angle, proof to me that that is a dim and distant memory that I didn’t highlight for Red what a winning tactic that could be ha ha.

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    2. Thankyou TWTIK – am off to read your blog in a second, glad you’re back too. The lake swimming thing sounds bliss!! And you get where I’m at on that one 🙂 And the “other” thing too, let’s hope time proves that! Red xx

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  3. I think most women actually find it easier on their own esp with small kids, just for getting into a routine, everyone used to each other and no conflict of parenting! This is common and nothing to be concerned about. We still like our husbands.
    It is a shame you don;t have his backing though re sobriety, you are right, it would make a huge difference. My husband drinks (a lot) actually more than i ever do/ did but alas mine is still the more concerning and I feel it as such a negative when i do drink whereas he just enjoys a few pints a few nights a week/ wine with dinner etc. Having said all that he actually prefers when I don’t drink. Maybe it takes emphasis off his, maybe he sees that I am happier but either way he loves that I don’t drink and would never suggest that he wants me too. I like this. Gives me the validation I need and it just feels good. I also feel like he admires it as he would never contemplate a social event without drinking whereas I can enjoy myself perfectly fine without alcohol and have recently discovered i actually prefer it more without.
    I hope ye guys get to work it out. your list of positives/ benefits re stopping before are great xx

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  4. I’m sorry you feel so crappy.
    This is a hard one. For at least a year I kept insisting I needed to quit drinking and craig was completely uninterested. He knew he drank too much, but felt he was a successful, respected, fun drink. He didn’t want to change.

    Of course, he ended up sort of being forced into changing, and I leapt at the opportunity to quit too.

    What I found was that as I became comfortable with myself, which only happened after a period of sobriety where my mind cleared and I could see just how self pitying and hard done by I had become, I was able to voice my needs and requests for help in a proactive way.

    As a drinker I was a control freak. Things were my way, or else. So craig never helped much because he was afraid of me! I couldn’t see this then.

    Perhaps it would help to lay out the card for your husband. Drinking is making you emotionally drained. You still want to have fun, but need help and support in the short term. And then see what develops.

    Drinking to make a spouse happy is a dangerous thing. You need to put your needs first here. You deserve that.

    Anne

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  5. Anne as usual you’ve hit the nail on the head. Your paragraph about being a control freak and Craig being afraid to help – wow that’s me/us if I shine an honest light on it. I think Mr Red would identify with that. Also about the self pitying bit, I seem to be stuck there in that, whining like my three year olds, and a bit unable to see the wood for the trees. I’m hoping the soberness will help with that 🙂 Thankyou. Red xx

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  6. Blimey Red, all a bit serious. I hate giving advice but your old fella sounds like a decent sort to me. No idea what school mums are like as have no kids but they are probably too exhausted by their own broods to contemplate shagging fellow members of the PTA. I was a school governor a couple of years back and didn’t fancy any of the parents or teachers for that matter, christ knows where parents even get the energy to indulge their offspring, never mind anything else. On drinking buddies, thats a toughie but I think my endless falling asleep on the sofa, or snoring away with the lights on, or watching crap TV late at night wasn’t a great attraction. Throw in spending most Saturday and Sunday mornings ( and increasingly Monday mornings) and every morning of a holiday feeling like shit and worried about driving (actually make that every Sat/Sun morning for the last decade or so) and I think the novelty had completely worn off. Ten years ago, I was a witty engaging drunk but the sad reality is people were beginning to define me by my drinking – many, including family cannot believe that “good old justonemore” has stopped and they don’t believe I will stick with it. I also realised that every fucking photograph of me has my hand grasping a glass of booze. I think I am just sooo tired of drinking. Sitting in my favourite chair with a bottle of red that every 15-20 minutes tops up my glass while we watch TV – I do miss the pub though. While we are on the truth and reconciliation bit, part of me recoils in horror from the poor people in Louis T’s programme but there is an acceptance that in truth, I am not that different and that frightens me. The demons come in the early hours and I wonder whether the booze compensates for something – fucks knows what but I understand very well what Groundhog spoke of a few days ago. So I’m not going to say give it up or don’t give it up but I don’t think Mr Red will really think any less of you. I do think that we are all here in this virtual world because we have more than a passing concern about our drinking but ultimately it is down to each of us to make our own choice. Sorry to ramble on in the words of that great Led Zeppelin song (which incidentally I was running to in the gym earlier while contemplating that I am still not losing any fucking weight but that may also be due to the rum and raisin ice cream that I had this afternoon – I know, rum!! But its probably just flavouring). Enough, bed!! Way too much information on the sex stuff!!

    Justonemore

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    1. Haha!! Sorry about the TMI. It’s more to try and provoke myself, I frankly can’t be arsed these days!

      Not watched the Louis Theroux thang yet. Am steeling myself; perhaps this afternoon. You aren’t rambling, hearing your thoughts on this helps hugely. I still feel shite today but have a little more perspective. I sometimes head to the point of babbling idiot when dealing with the kids thing. I am too old and too selfish to handle having this many creatures. Love the buggers though. I was too used to having as much time to myself as I liked (only child) until age 35. All this “giving” shit doesn’t come naturally to me. I need to work on that. Which means avoiding the escapism of the bottle.

      Running on the treadmill sounds attractive to me right now – if you’re exercising maybe you’ve changed a bit of excess weight to muscle mass? Or maybe it’s the Rum n Raisin. I’m trapped ill in a house with no biscuits, not sure how I managed that. I’ll be forced into making something out of dessicated coconut and chocolate chips at this rate.
      Look who’s rambling now?? Red xx

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  7. Did you ever read that old joke about the woman writing in her diary day after day about how concerned she was about why her husband wasn’t talking to her, why he was ignoring her, and not wanting to cuddle? How she was concerned that they were about to break up? And then in his diary, the husband writes…Today my motorbike won’t start. Could it be the carburetor?”.
    I don’t know your hubby, but I do know this. I was CONVINCED that my husband would be horrified if I quit, because we had always talked about this wonderful holiday in Wine country, and I envisioned the two of us holding hands, sipping wine as the sun set over the vines….when I finally plucked up enough courage to tell him that my “break” was actually permanent, and that this holiday probably wouldn’t happen (not in the way I had dreamed about it)..he said…oh lets just have a fishing holiday, you get seasick so you won’t fancy drinking anyway”…..huh.
    You don’t KNOW FOR CERTAIN what he thinks. Unless you ask him. And tell him that you need to do this for you. The Wine Witch is whispering this crap in your ear. Because you feel sick and vulnerable. Don’t listen to her. Look after yourself, and ask for help. Don’t wait for him to figure out that you need it. Men are frickin hopeless at that. Big hugs…well, from a distance…xxxx

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  8. Wow.. there’s loads of good stuff here and whilst its hard to hear what a rough time everyone’s been having, there’s also something comforting in not being alone. Anne and Jackie are living proof of what can be achieved when sobriety is successful (as is sobermummy) and that’s what gives me the determination to keep on trying, no matter how many day ones it takes.

    I can identify with you on the husband thing Red. Mine knows full well that I drink too much and worries about my health. However, he can’t understand why I can’t reign it back to one or two glasses on a weekend and quite often is the one offering to go buy wine, despite me deliberately not having gotten any. He is the kind of person that can leave a half empty glass in the restaurant at the end of a meal and I’m not sure he has any appreciation of what it is like to be unable to stop.

    I love the phrase ‘sexy time’!! I can’t say there has been much of it under our roof lately. (Sometimes I think Mr SW deliberately tries to get me drunk so that he gets some, generally it doesn’t work because I fall asleep!) I feel very numb sometimes. I would love to feel something again.

    Anyways, keep on being kind to yourself, I hope the bath has made you feel better (the good bath, not the bad bath!!) I have too many memories of being in labour in ours so its not that relaxing anymore!!

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