This is not the Sunday I’ve been looking for..

I think I must have been in a small, pink, velvety cloud for the last three weeks. It’s definitely fucked off somewhere else today, that’s for sure. After a great day yesterday, I’m feeling almightily pissed off about everything today. I’ve been a snappy, cranky, bastard of a crocodile. Everything little thing is making me want to scream with rage. And I’m still ill, and feeling utterly knackered to boot. I just want to climb into bed and cocoon myself in peace and quiet, in dim lighting.

Instead, I’ve spent the morning cleaning our living room in preparation for decorating the tree. And fending off one million questions from small people. This afternoon we’ve put up the decorations, and it’s been stressful and irritating to say the least. Mr Red and I have been looking forward to it, because this event last year was a complete delight, with the little twins tottering on their tiny steps, decorating the tree. This year it’s been, quite frankly, fucking annoying.  Neither of us have felt full of Christmas cheer.

We’ve finally just sat down, Mr Red has a large mulled wine, and I’m really bloody jealous, so I’m filling my face with mince-pie and coffee to quell the huge bursts of envy. Whilst simultaneously trying to appear outwardly cool about it. And failing massively. And wondering why I decided to cook a Sunday dinner, what a blithering idiot.

I need to accept that not every day will be a great day.

I need to accept that sometimes I’m going to really, really want a drink.

I need to accept that some days I’ll just have to plaster a big fake smile on my face, even when I’m screaming on the inside.

Tomorrow is another day. It will be day 22, because I’m not going to fail.

Red xx

 

44 thoughts on “This is not the Sunday I’ve been looking for..”

  1. It will be Day 22, because you are NOT going to fail! You got this. And tomorrow morning you can have a big cup of delicious coffee and celebrate the fact that you did not cap off a craptastic day with disappointment, regret, and a hangover.

    I hope you feel better soon!

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  2. Oh yuck! It sounds like the day I had last weekend.. there you are doing all these things that are supposed to be all Christmas card cutesy and instead there’s this simmering fury that threatens to spill over and consume any thing in its path. Bear with it.. it does pass. Have some of that yummy M&S drink, watch game of thrones or head to bed.. tomorrow you will feel proud and relieved. xxx

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  3. Hey Red
    I think that the trick is realizing that now that you have stopped drinking it won’t all be perfect. If you don’t,that’s when the “fuck it” thoughts come into play and booze seems like the answer. I know in those situations if I drink, it will be a lot and I will have a serious hangover the next day which will mean 2 crappy days. Glad your being strong! You and I are going to make it to the fucking field of bunnies if it kills us :):)
    We have to join the rest of them over there, they all seem so damn happy!! Day 6 and managing to get out of bed!!!
    xoxoxoox
    TWTIK

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  4. Sometimes we simply cannot be arsed to do Christmas. Fuck mulled wine. You’re right, every day of your WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is not going to be awesome. But mostly it is! And it’s always going to be better sober. Stick with it, you won’t be sorry. 🙂

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      1. It was, I did nothing some days, mixed in with a flurry of activities others. I have the week after xmas off too, I’l be studying for a technical certification (CCNA) and laying in my bed and eating candy. And generally not being arsed. hahah!

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  5. Red I swear in six month that mulled wine will not be so tempting I promise. Since my little slip (read huge error) I have not had the slightest craving at all. Having said that I would not encourage anyone to repeat my actions in the hood it quells their cravings. So much of the craving is psychological and not even truthful. I’m glad you’re crabby because you need to start building up you crabby busting muscles as you are gonna need them between now and day 100. Each time you resist, the muscle gets stronger (do I sound like a hypocrite?) until you are able to punch the crabby straight in the mouth. Be strong my friend.

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    2. Thanks for the encouragement Ginger – and I love the thought of building up those muscles :-). I’m feeling better now I’ve had a few hours downtime and am now tucked up in bed eating chocolate. Red xx

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  6. Oh my God, Red! You are like my twin or something. Identical day to you today. Spent all day decorating the sodding house for Christmas, in a foul mood as everything was going wrong. Had been looking forward to it. Didn’t enjoy it. All I kept thinking was that I wanted to get pissed! Shit last few days really. Not a pink cloud in sight and feel like I would probably throw the towel in without much resistance if a ‘drinking opportunity’ reared its ugly head 😦 xxx

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    1. Hey Sauvignonblackout, the feeling passes. Don’t give in. There will always be thousands of drinking opportunities – its easy to give in but the real satisfaction comes the next morning when you can add another AF day to the tally.

      Justonmore

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  7. I fucking hate mulled wine – its just about one of the only drinks that I can’t stand so Mr Red is welcome to it. I’ve just been supportive on TWTIK’s site and a bit depressed Zen on SMs but yours has brought me back down to earth. I have been rationalising my not drinking today. I was told that last summer (2105) my drinking was pretty much out of control – I knew it and that has helped me during this last year but I often feel that I would like a drink – just one………………….. but one will be one too many and ten not enough. I left early today to do battle with the M5/M4/M40 and am safely back in West London – where its a bit bloody cold. Busy week this week and nipping abroad next weekend for a bit of business (just a jet/hotel room/meeting and then straight back). Fucks up the weekend and I’ll have to dodge the Xmas bonhomie on the plane etc – all adds to the pressure but I won’t drink. I actually said today, that I can’t think about not drinking next week or next month. I have to take each day as it comes. That’s the truth. As for Xmas trees, well ours is still in its pot in the garden, having survived a year outside behind the greenhouse. It did get watered today, so its probably going to survive this year and hopefully it won’t have a drunken me crashing into it after too many drinks.

    Red, you’re doing great – I’ll be right in your 6 O’Clock, keeping an eye on you.

    Justonemore

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    1. Thanks Justonemore – it’s weird, I didn’t think I was going to cave in, I’ve just been massively pissed off to my core that I can’t drink.. but to be fair I was in an arse when I got up. Lack of sleep and being immensely fed-up with still being ill didn’t help.
      Sorry to hear of the business trip – I imagine that’s a bit of a trial! Please keep deciding not to drink each of those “one at a time” days.. Red xx

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  8. Hi Red!
    My sister had 6 children…2 sets of twins!
    Yes, there will be really yucky days.
    I am so glad you didn’t drink.
    Because then you’d have yucky hangovers along with the yucky day!
    I hope you feel better on Monday!
    xo
    Wendy

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  10. I just found your blog, Red. I love the comic honesty you use to describe the hell that is beginning sobriety, especially with small children. And like you, I have been mainlining sugar to keep cravings away. I am a little chunkier but much happier. ; )

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    1. Hi Sobermiracle! Great to hear from you & thanks 🙂 Yes, sugar is definitely the answer in the early days I think.. sod the weight. I’ll look after my pancreas later 😉 Although perhaps some of the tiredness is due to sugar abuse on my part!! How far along are you? Red xx

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      1. Sugar is bad for your pancreas? I’m surprised I have one left. ; ) I am at 249 days sober. The only thing different this time around (I’ve tried to stop drinking a million times) is that I have a blog. Somehow it’s kept me accountable when nothing else has. Who knew there was some kind of power in banging away at a keyboard in the middle of the night? ; )

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  11. Some days become horribly overwhelming. Those are days you say fuck Sunday dinner and hide in the bath.

    Hugs. I don’t like Christmas. It’s way too much fake smiling and cleaning and not enough quiet.

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    1. Thanks Anne. I dud indeed say “fuck Sunday dinner”. It felt good. And I’m glad I had the self-awareness to change the plan, in the old days I’d have pushed forward with the day through guilt and just got drunk whilst doing it. And paid for it later 😉 Red xx

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  12. I can sooooo relate to this. It’s really hard when you have small kids because all you really needed was rest. I drank through so many of those days, (booze gave me atrificial cheer which turned into grumpiness later) because you can’t cocoon in dim lighting when you have little ones running around. It’s torture sometimes. (Love my kids but sometimes I really just need to not ‘adult’ and rest.) Well done for not having the mulled wine! xxx

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  14. Here’s hoping that today is a better day! When I was first getting sober, I had such anger and irritation at times! At one point I wondered if I had some kind of alcohol induced Turet’s Syndrome!
    That all seemed to weaken as time went on. Although one day, several months in, I asked my SO if he’d noticed that I was much calmer. He said he still heard the occasional cuss words coming from the kitchen. I told him that I’d quit drinking- I didn’t have a lobotomy! I hate mulled wine too!

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    1. Hahaaaa – I’d say stopping drinking is kinda like having a reverse-lobotomy!! Then you’ve got to deal with all the thinking, and feeling etc that you’ve been switching off..
      Thankyou, today has been a better day 🙂 Red xx

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  15. Hi red – well done on all these sober days you’ve notched up. I’ve been enjoying reading your posts as always – and never quite manage to get round and comment. But I’m cheering for you and here to support in any way I can. I will make my soberversary on jan 3 – and can tell you – it does get so much easier the longer you do – and all those sober benefits keep on coming. Having said that as christmas draws near – I do find a few wee cravings creeping in – and am vaguely dreading new year – as we have friends staying – who have wondered when I’ll give up my health kick – and just have a drink already – and I reckon there will be more pressure than usual (and no ready excuses) over new year holidays.( begs the question I know – of why I still need excuses and why I can’t come out the sober closet. Thankfully hubs is well aware and on board – although took a while to broach it wth him,) Having said all that – I am so sure I am not going there – I broke a great sober run last new year – and there’s no way I’m going back there. That’s the other benefit of several mths of sobriety – I cannot bear the thought of going back to the obstacle course if those hard early days – so there’s no way I can ruin it. Anyway – sorry about the ramble. Keep strong my friend – and if you have any blips – just start again. I blipped throughout 2015 and before – and I’ve done it now – and I know you can too. Love SFM x

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    1. Oh SFM – am so chuffed to hear from you! And you’re coming up to a year, that’s amazing. I’m in awe of your willpower 🙂 Please don’t let the Christmas shizzle get to you and erode your commitment. I’m getting quite riled up about the Chrimbo marketing about booze – it bloody well is possible to have a lovely Christmas without it!!!!!
      I broke a run of sobriety on New Year last year due to pressure from the friends we were visiting. Their faces when I said I wasn’t drinking; I might as well have been Cersei Lannister admitting to incest or something equally horrific! I will not fall into that trap this year, I am determined.
      Stay strong my friend, just keep remembering how proud of yourself you’ll be come Jan 3rd. And you too, if you’re reading this Justonemore!! I love that you’ve the same soberversary 🙂
      Red xx

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  16. Hey, SFM, you and I are in step – 3 Jan for me as well – if weal-wiled little me can do it then so can anyone. Part of my motivation is that I am just not to give it all up when I’m this close. I too cannot stand the thought of going back to another Day one. Xmas is just a day and I’m doing this for me so everyone else can basically get fucked.

    Justonemore

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    1. Haha – fantastic! Love predictive typing! So Jan 3 – we can do this thing. As someone said on SMs blog – we should buy a soberversary pressie for ourselves. Ooh yay!

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