This time..

It’s day 35 since I stopped drinking, here in the Red Household. Since I stopped cracking a bottle of wine at an ever-earlier hour on a Sunday, with the excuse “hey, it’s Sunday! Everyone starts drinking at lunch! This is fine…”. Then there would be the second bottle. And then Monday. Waking with a banging head, a sickly stomach, the creeping dread, the chest-crush of anxiety. Dragging myself through the day, trying not to get too close to anyone in case I smelt of alcohol, counting down the minutes until the evening, when I could open another bottle. To bring me back up from the pits, to just feeling ok.

It’s amazing how quickly that cycle would degenerate for me. I used to try not to drink the on the nights before work. I didn’t always succeed, but as a rule by Friday I would have two nights AF under my belt, be feeling more human, and so my first post-work Friday night drink would give me a big buzz. A few days later, I’d be drinking to bring me back up to the baseline.

This little dude perfectly illustrates how the cycle worked for me.

Over the last year, I’ve tried to stop drinking a few times. I even made it to over a month earlier in the year. Since then I’ve mostly caved in at about 2 weeks, max. I feel a bit different this time.. more relaxed about it. More accepting of the fact that booze and I just don’t mix. More revulsed by the idea of drinking than I’ve ever been. Missing “it” a hell of a lot less. I’m not counting my chickens, I dare not. But it feels good so far.

It’s my “turn” for a lie-in this morning. Although, by the time Mr Red had roused himself to take the incredibly bouncy, Advent-crazed Redlets downstairs, I’d been thoroughly woken up and had already been downstairs to make myself a cuppa in a grump of despair. They’re all finally downstairs now though, and I’m luxuriating in bed, with tea and biscuits. There’s a worrying amount of kerfuffle coming from down there – it does remind me slightly of the time in Dusseldorf when we accidentally stayed in a hotel room which turned out to be above a busy nightclub. But hey – I don’t have to do anything for an hour. And without a hangover. For that, I am immensely grateful.

So through the gently thudding bass-line and the occasional giddy scream (is it joy? Is it sheer rage? Will there be much blood?) I bid you a Happy Sunday, people!

Red xx

 

 

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22 thoughts on “This time..”

  1. OMG that movie is exactly the drinking cycle spot on!!!!!! Where did you find it?

    I’m so with you on the Sunday ‘ever’ earlier hour. I used to rationalise that if I start cooking the Sunday lunch at 11 it makes sense to open the wine. It needs to breathe after all 😉
    If there isn’t any blood there’s no reason to hurry on downstairs. xxxx

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    1. Isn’t it just? I found it when a friend & ex-colleague posted it on FB about a year ago – in the context of drug abuse, but for me it describes me/addiction perfectly. I find it odd – when watching it I feel such compassion and sadness for the little bird, I want to save it. It’s so weird that it’s taken me so long to direct that love at myself!! Red xx

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    1. I know – the poor little bird – poor little us!!! Thank goodness we’re looking after ourselves now. Happy happy Soberversary to you by the way – it was Friday wasn’t it? I hope you had a bloody big treat!!! Red xx

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  2. Where I live, only restaurants can serve alcohol on Sunday, and then only after 12:00 noon, so I would have to get someone to agree to meet me for lunch. (I would even go to church first to legitimize my deserving the lunch. I was that dedicated.) We would have to go to dinner also, but I didn’t mention this at lunch.

    What a ridiculous and expensive game. And I no longer have to attend church!

    Enjoy your blissful morning. ; )

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      1. I do have much much more time. And so many other things to think about! Deciding whether or not to drink, then how much I was going to drink, then finding said drinks took all of my time and energy. I am so much more efficient these days. I actually sent Christmas cards! First time in a decade.
        Enjoy your Sunday as well.
        xoxo

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  3. Its been a glorious (somewhat reflective) day here. Took the dogs up onto Dartmoor, had the place to ourselves almost. We forgot to defrost anything for dinner so its whatever we can scratch together in the fridge – last Xmas, I spent 3 weeks with a drink either in my hand or close by. This year we haven’y done anything – no tree, (well its in the garden in its pot from last year). No lights, no cards, nothing and it doesn’t matter. Main thing is I’m not cooking for 5 families this year – just us and the dogs (horses) and adopted feral cat. Anyone hear Bruce Springsteen on Desert Island discs this am? What a fantastic, laid back man. He did Born in the USA when he was 24!! I was 11 Hmmmm!! Anyway, the M5/M4/M25 will have to do without me this week – thank fuck. Hope the Redlets survived pre-breakfast battles.

    Justonemore

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    1. Cooking for 5 families?? How – why – jeez!!! Glad you don’t have that on your plate this year. Your day sounds absolutely lovely. Do you really have horses, or are your dogs just massive?
      Sadly I didn’t hear Bruce’s desert island discs, bet that was great. I may give it a listen on the catch-upy-thingy.
      I’ve just re-watched season 5 Game Of Thrones in preparation for watching the newly purchased S6 over Xmas. It was like watching it for the first time. I must have been completely hammered last time.
      Red xx

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  4. Just catching up following my weekend away. I saw that Kiwi cartoon when I was drinking and I used to watch it regularly, crying, hoping that it would have some sort of magical power that would stop me drinking. I was always looking for the “catalyst” that would finally stop me drinking. Luckily I found it, it is just not giving in to the voices that tell you this time it will be different.
    I hope ONE day you get to sleep in completely uninterrupted until like noon!

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  5. Hi red – hope you had an awesome sober Christmas – I did. Just need to keep it strong through into the new year now. Have to keep reminding myself of the sober benefits – as can be taken for granted after a while ( which is good and bad I guess). So happy to think that I will have no hangovers, no cringeworthy moments, no moments / hours when I won’t be fully present for my kids, no days when I feel too sick/ tired to exercise. I had a casual discussion with hubby about what our friends will think of me not drinking at New Years and whether I should fake drink alcohol – and he said nope – no need… so that’s all good… onwards and upwards. Keep on keeping in red – you’ve got this / we’ve all got this – we can do it. Xxx

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    1. Hi SFM!! Happy Chrimble! Yes, keeping strong in January is the next challenge (such a bloody awful month in my view). Oh and New Years eve.. That’s when I tripped up last year, but I only had about 8 days under my belt then. Feeling tougher and wiser this year. Glad your hubby is being supportive, makes a huge difference. And yes, we can do this, and it is SO much better than the alternative! Red xx

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