Two months

I made it to two months sober this week. It feels good. Quietly, solidly, good, like I’m the Cheshire cat, smiling down from my tree branch (don’t knock me off, don’t knock me off!!).

I did have a craving on Friday night. But it was the first one for weeks. I can hardly believe that really. I think I know the reason too…My in-laws know I’m “TT” as they call it. I think they’re quietly impressed, and have been enthusiastically buying me new AF drinks to try. Last night they sent me a bottle of “Fre” de-alcoholised white chardonnay. It was interesting – I used a wine glass, and it was quite convincing. A bit too bloody convincing. I didn’t enjoy that feeling. On the up-side, it prompted a really good chat with Mr Red. And I was able to step outside the situation and analyse it a little. As I explained to him, it didn’t make me fancy a glass of wine. No, for about 20 minutes, I just wanted a whole damn bottle full of obliteration. I think this shocked him a bit. I also told him about the relief I feel now, not subjecting myself to the constant thoughts of drinking.

“Why did I drink so much last night/why do I drink so much/I mustn’t drink tonight/can I drink tonight/I’ll drink tonight but not tomorrow/I’ll have one glass/Fuckitfuckitfuckit”.

And repeat, endlessly. ALL the time. Every day of every week.

Now I have (a little) distance from this cycle of behaviour,  I’ve realised the true extent of my slavery into it. This is why it is SO much easier for me to stop drinking completely. It’s a simple answer to the myriad of questions. And after a short while, the question stops being asked so much, not even daily, and then suddenly you realise you’ve not heard it for a week. Maybe two. And perhaps there will be times when the cravings briefly raise their ugly heads above the parapet again, but this is nothing, NOTHING in comparison to the constant hell of that incessant, pride-destroying chatter.

I had a dream where I’d forgotten that I’d stopped drinking, and gone out with my friend and got royally pissed. I felt disorientated and sick to my stomach, but the worst of it was the crushing disgust and disappointment I felt with myself. I woke up and the relief of reality was huge. I revelled in it.

Being sober is also making me less selfish. I’m much more likely to think about the feelings of others (instead of obsessing over when I can legitimately start drinking). Example: I’m supposed to be having my much-coveted weekly lie-in this morning. I’m having a lie-in of sorts, but on the bottom bunk in my eldest’s room, keeping him company while he watches an *ahem* hilarious Sooty and Sweep dvd. This doesn’t sound like much of a sacrifice, but hungover Red would have likely slept through his little requests for a TV buddy.  We’re faced with a rainy Sunday here up north, and I’ve actually found myself suggesting to the Redlets that we get the paints out. Anyone who knows me will find this hard to believe. Three children under 6 – with paint??? And me?? The threat level to soft furnishings and walls is at about defcon 1. But I can handle it, oh yes – I’m sober, and happy!!

Enjoy your Sundays too, people, whatever you’re up to..

Red xx

 

 

 

 

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38 thoughts on “Two months”

  1. Wow you are amazing, I feel a bit of resentment for you that you haven’t got “real” alone lie in but I don’t hear that from you so why should I feel it for you. All that negative post alcohol self talk is so destructive and if you are free from that then thank goodness. I hope you continue to feel stronger and calmer and have more realisations like this. The day painting with the kids is lovely and I agree would not have probably materialised the morning after the night before. I hope your furniture survives. Here’s to many more mornings like this.

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    1. Haha – I’m not amazing at all Ginger, the craving on Friday night was harsh to say the least. And I think I feel so good at the moment because of the contrast with how fucking awful and bad I’d allowed it to get before I stopped – it must be pink cloud stuff really. How are you – how was the week at work?? Hope you’re feeling well now my dear?? Red xx

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  2. The patience you gain as a mother CANNOT BE UNDERESTIMATED! That state we wander around in, half hungover all the time, is not conducive to raising loud, active children. Try it sometime. The brain-frying affects of alcohol made me want to run over little old ladies in the grocery store with my cart, let alone a mob of children painting on the walls in my house.
    Amazing, Red! Your story is so inspiring for all the other moms out there trapped by drink. I wish I’d had your blog when I was in the same boat. ; )
    xoxo

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    1. Haha – I love the idea that you wanted to run the elderly over with your shopping trolley when hungover – awesome! It certainly doesn’t make for tolerance does it? I have a lot of guilt floating around me about my kids early days, so it’s priceless to feel like I’m doing my absolute best for them. Absolutely priceless!! Red xx

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  3. Red
    That is so amazing! I too feel so less selfish and it is so much easier to do things for others. I took my son to his 7am hockey game Saturday after going to bed at 12:30. We were up at 5:45 and it was easy and my hubby was happy to have a lie in.
    I found the last few days very very hard. Think it has a few things to do with hormones if you know what I mean 😉

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    1. Hey there TWTIK! Sorry to hear you’ve had a tough couple of days, damn those hormones!! Although how great that you could take your son to hockey, without fear of driving with hangover or just plain not making it.. go you, girl!! Red xx

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  4. Well done Red. I have had and still have the same types of thoughts and similar drinking dreams – not always with Dr Who. I don’t want to go back to drunk me either. I don’t miss it nearly as much now but the desire can almost be tangible when it is one me. I have learned that it doesn’t last more than 30 minutes or so and I have been equal to it.

    Justonemore

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    1. Yes -I find that too – about 30 mins. But I can only see that/accept it from the other side if you know what I mean. And yes, the damn cravings almost have a shape, don’t they? I do find filling my face helps. And if it means I ain’t drinking, well sod the calories!! Red xx

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  5. 2 month Red, well done! The further we get away from our day 1 the less cravings we get. The ones we do get though can feel intense as we are not used to them as much so well done on Friday. I can drink AF beer but not wine, its too triggery. I so just want to down a bottle. No matter how long my sobriety gets, i always want to down the bottle, never a glass. Sobriety makes me more patient and compassionate with people, especially my kids. At least when I do shout at them, i know its justified and not just because I’m hungover!

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    1. I know – it’s righteous anger now, not just the hangover 😉 Yep, AF beer doesn’t trigger me, even though I was a huge craft beer -head. As well as a wino! Fruity is definitely best for me at the mo, as it’s nothing like my former drinks. Red xx

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  6. Two months… So awesome!! On another note I heard a great line on the bubble hour re: AF substitutes that may be too close for some of us’don’t tease your disease’ that is exactly the effect AF beer has had on me but not AF wine, strange but true. Congratulations on 8 weeks x

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      1. Oh melting, melting! Not sure if you have tried but Pomegranate juice cut with soda water is also a fabulous AF dinner drink, perfect acidity 😊

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  7. Well done on 2 months. I’m 2 months today:) I know what you mean about the alcohol free wine. I felt really weird the other day when we were drinking some that was left over from Christmas. There is something about it that sits uneasy with me. Don’t really know what exactly… I’ve chucked it out, tastes like crap anyway. Also I never really drank for the ‘taste’ it was more for the effect. xxx

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      1. AF wine made me go back to drinking once so now I stick with the Becks Blue. That FRE is disgusting and nothing like wine except for wanting the real thing.

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  8. Haha! The paint made me laugh 😂 Since I have stopped drinking I feel like a piece of me is a child again-willing and wanting to play with my children and experience life with them. I am so grateful they are young enough that they are willing to indulge me.

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  9. Thank you for proving that Red Recovers! Thank you for sharing your journey. Congrats on your sobriety.That dream is scary. I have them. I used to have them all the time. not as much anymore. When those dreams hit, I always wake up and can’t shake the feeling of a relapse. Although I know that I didn’t relapse. It still feels that way. A strange sensation. Stay with it!

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  10. Congrats on 2 months Red! I’ve had a few of those drinking dreams too – I’m like Mark and have such a weird feeling after I wake up.
    I know what you mean about wanting a WHOLE BOTTLE! I have tried explaining that to my boyfriend and I think that it has been an eye opener for him.
    So happy you’re enjoying your kiddo time. Hope the painting shenanigans went well!

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  11. 2 months is just awesome girl. You’ve so got this now. I am sooooo glad I’m sober for my kids. I so relate to everything you’ve said about being a more ‘present mum’. And it’s with big and small things. Gosh – that whole mind chatter thing to do with alcohol. Was just reminding myself at Xmas time how glad I am to be free of that! Really hope my kids don’t inherit my ‘all or nothing genes’ when it comes to alcohol. I suppose at least now I’ll be setting them a good example. I hope we all stay in touch on this sober sphere, so we can keep advising each other over the years. On another note – glad I’ve never found af wine!! Love my af beers tho!! Happy sober weekend lovely red.

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    1. Thanks SFM! How are you doing at the mo? It’s becoming clearer to me that I’m doing this for my kids really!! And I’m very proud of that. Setting them a good example is a huge thing.
      And OMG – being free of that constant internal dialogue – it’s amazing!
      I really hope we all keep in touch too. My email address is on here somewhere, that’s another good option 🙂 Red xx

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  12. 2 months! Yay!
    I say notice all those small times that it’s better because you are sober. Those are the moments in life that truly make the difference.
    You showed your son you saw him and his request was important. That’s beautiful.

    These realizations are what support and nourish my own sobriety. This is how we make the world a better place. In small but significant actions.
    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

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