Approaching the ton!

95 days since I had a drink – I can hardly believe it, I keep having to check my day-counter to be sure.

I’ve not been blogging recently as I’ve just not had the time or motivation really. Or so it feels. I can’t honestly say that I’m out of those doldrums that I posted about in my last entry. I’m decidedly lacking in energy and enthusiasm, but I think this is due to it being the end of a very long, very grey winter. I have just felt like hibernating. Preferably inside a giant muffin, with buttercream. I do feel as though this malaise will lift, and my spirits will begin to rise once spring is here, I’m almost holding my breath waiting for it. I’m like a tightly coiled, but rather tired, non-breathing spring. I’m sure you can picture it..

To assist me in sorting through some of my current brain-jumble, I’m going to list a few thoughts and occurrences. Negatives first, then positives.

  • My initial weight loss has crept back up by a few, annoying pounds. I’d been enjoying feeling svelte, but I need to own this one; I’m not exercising beyond an hour of pilates a week, which I literally have to bully myself into attending. And I’m eating whatever I like. Do the math, Red!
  • I’ve discovered I have a lovely medical problem, connected to having carried twins, which may need surgery to rectify and is limiting me a bit on the exercise front. And in other, very important ways, which I won’t go into here, to save your blushes. I think this is genuinely affecting my mood in the downwards direction.
  • My day counter tells me I should feel loaded, what with not spunking wads of cash each week on booze. In practise,  I’m not feeling any better off, which is pissing me off mightily. I think this is due to the Xmas fallout, and some essential appliance replacement (Damn you, washing machine! Double-damn you, Dyson!!!) However, I am budgeting and watching our finances like a hawk now, so this should pay off soon. It had bloody well better. I need to order a LOT from Hotel Chocolat in a few days time..

Now for some good stuff:

  • I have very few cravings for alcohol now. I even got through a serious tasting event at work without too many pangs. (I used the spittoon, like a true professional!) I did have a major wobble last weekend; the Redlets were having a sleepover due to Mr Red and I being seriously sleep-deprived. So we bought a ton of delicious meats, cheeses, chutneys, breads and set the woodburner going and watched The Lord of The Rings trilogy. I have to say, for about the first two hours after we dropped off the small peeps, I really, really wanted to open and drink lots of wine. It was tied up with the whole hibernating vibe – I just wanted to check out mentally. I wanted to hang out in The Green Dragon, drinking ale and smoking (ahem) pipeweed with a bunch of rowdy hobbits.. However, I resisted alcohol, the cravings went away, and I observed Mr Red’s hangover the next day with utter relief that I’d not cracked.
  • I’m feeling so much more “sorted” and mentally on the ball. I went out with a couple of colleagues for food last night, and told them I was nearing 100 days without alcohol. After initial surprise, one did say she’s noticed that I’m much more relaxed and confident at work. And I feel it – a lot of anxiety has dispersed. I don’t dread work days any more. It pleases me to feel competent.
  • I am SO much more patient with the kids. I feel like I’m being a much kinder, loving and fun parent to them. I very rarely lose my shit now. I watch the Facebook meme /Mum-blog culture around “suffering” days with children and rewarding oneself with wine, with complete derision. This last sober benefit is really the one that’s keeping me on the straight and narrow.

So – I am kind of in a self-imposed holding state. I can’t say I feel happy, but this isn’t down to lack of booze in my life. In most part, it’s down to shit that is within my control to change. So I will start trying to muster the energy to make some positive changes so that I can start to bloom like a daffodil, rather than stagnating like a bit of mouldy pond gunk.

Roll on the 100. Perhaps the resulting chocolate-high will spur me into action..

Red xx

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25 thoughts on “Approaching the ton!”

  1. I can resonate with the not feeling great! I really didn’t either until one day I did! While I understand that much of it may be due to the medical stuff- and some of it due to the environment-much of it could still be PAWS related. It’s different for everyone and in my case, I had to keep reminding myself (and still do) that the amount of time without alcohol was/is nowhere near the time of ingesting it! So of course, it’s going to take time for the body to “recalculate” itself.
    Good for you for keeping on!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I keep forgetting about PAWS – of course that could be it, or at least contributing.. thanks for the reminder, Freefalling! ! I’ve about 25 years hard work to undo, I’d best be kind to meself 😉 I hope all is good with you! Red xx

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  2. RED!!! 95 days?!! That’s SO GREAT!! Way to go chickie, I’m so proud of you! ❤
    Hrrmm I hear ya on the weight and money. What the heck is happening, eh? I'm broker (and heavier) than I've ever been haha. I keep asking myself "Am I seriously spending more on chocolate and NA drinks than I was on wine? What's going on here?!" Oh well, it will all turn around soon I'm sure, and we're SOBER so yayyy!
    I am also totally with you on the positives too!
    have a great rest of the week!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha glad it’s not just me with the weight and money! Surely this will even itself out eh. I’m spending about £4 per week on AF drinks, versus about £50 on wine. Where is it??? Mind you, I’m now more motivated to get shit done, in the house and for the kids. If I really analyse it, the house is looking better, I’ve replace broken stuff, and the kids are better dressed. I can be arsed to go shopping now – think I’ve just worked out where the money is..Eep 😉 I hope you have a great wknd. Red xx

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  3. Wow are those good things great! No cravings, or few cravings, is such a great freedom. I can remember when my life was run by alcohol and my consumption and obsession over it. I also very much related to the “on-the-ball” feeling that sobriety gives you.

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    1. Yes – all that wasted energy thinking about it! I explained last night to friends that I found it easier not to drink at all than to think so much about restricting myself, and the will I/won’t I malarkey. One friend got it completely! The other no so much. And yeah – gotta love the clarity! Red xx

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  4. I am so happy you are at 95 days!!
    That went fast!
    (Well, maybe not for you, but for me reading you!)
    My sister had 6 kids: 2 older boys, then 2 sets of twins a year and a half apart, and she had blushy medical stuff too!
    I really think winter is hard on humans.
    The light is low, we get sick, it’s cold, and yes, all we want to do is hibernate.
    I have been eating too many chips, and just too much in general.
    Ugh.
    But, I love your positives!!
    Especially how you are having more fun with your kids.
    xo
    Wendy

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  5. Hug. Spring will come and you will feel awesome.
    If the medical stuff has to do with peeing check into Physio for women’s health. I have friends who had amazing results.

    95 is awesome. Keep it up!

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  6. Well done Red. I’m 90 days today. I’m naming PAWS the culprit for the general shitty feeling that we have, seems that everyone with a similar day count has the same issue. There is light at the end of this tunnel just have to stay the course. Cant think of anything worse than having to do all of this again, which is what I’ve sort of been doing the last couple of years with my ‘sober stretches’ xxx

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  7. Medical stuff is truly blegh and I so hope you get it sorted x
    I’m one of those terrible people who fritter money away if I have it so I started putting the amount I was spending weekly into a jar along with little notes about stuff I had done like make dinner for a friend or something and at 400 days sober recently I read the notes realized I actually am nicer sober and way more exciting have enough money to start building my little eco house. Maybe put your cash somewhere you can physically see it adding up. Meanwhile I still haven’t got any bloody thinner… Wtf?! Xx

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  8. Hang in there Red, it WILL get better and your sunshine will return. I made the 100 days ok but I would say in the last 40-50 days have I really really turned the “I can deal with anything” corner. We all hit our stride at different times and you will know 100% when you do. You read about it on different blogs but everyone seems to one day just truly step into themselves. I hope yours will come soon.
    Enjoy your mahussive box of hotel chocolat, you will have truly earned it. Don’t forget to keep your whits about you for the post 100 days “maybe I could try one” although you are probably stronger than most having wine in your actual mouth a lot of the time. How do you do it. That makes my admiration of your achievement even greater. Serious kudos to you.
    Now all we have to figure out is if we do go for the Great Sober Meet Up sometime in the future.
    I’m as proud of you as is possible considering we are near strangers IRL but proud nonetheless.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Red
    WOW you are so close! That is amazing! I am only 55 days behind you-lol! I really do think you have the winter blahs. You may want to supplement vitamin D vitamin B12 and Magnesium. Vitamin D deficiency can cause the blues especially this time of year, I think you may find it helpful. My naturopath loaded me up with the above and I do feel better, less blah…
    Great Job Red,
    XOXO
    TWTIK

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  10. Hey Red, well done you – the 100 days is in the bag. I know how you feel. I have been dragging along over the last few days leaving dispirited posts on people’s blogs. Today was better, helped by fantastic weather. Couldn’t stay in the house so took the younger dog up on the moor (we walked them both on quite a long walk this morning) but this afternoon it was blue skies and skylarks. Sorry about your meds – my niece is having twin boys in a few months but I won’t mention your experience – for lots of reasons. I have some day surgery coming up in a few weeks – not looking forward to it but I should be grateful it is happening quickly and will done under a local. I had a similar thing a few years ago and the consultant said to have a few glasses of wine!! It will have to be codeine this time. Funny thing is that I lost a load of weight in the 2nd half of last year and then stuck some back on over Xmas which I now can’t shift but I have always disliked Jan/Feb and its difficult to hit the phys and watch the calories. Anyway, this should be all about you, 95 days my friend…………….. Don’t stop. Whats next? Really has to be the 6 month target but just keep taking each day and weekend as they come – you’ll be fine. We had a run in the office a couple of weeks ago of nights out and each morning I felt massively smug looking around at the hungover faces – didn’t really miss it at all and didn’t mind not blowing a £150 on 3 nights out on the bounce!! Anyway, off to cook a curry tonight, AF beer (St Peters without – very good). Have a good Sunday.

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  11. Dearest red – congrats on 95 days that is amazing! So normal to be feeling blah. Honestly my 1st 100 days took forever and were so hard. Good thing about that is – I could not ever bear to go back there. The other more positive side of things – life has just got better and better since day 100. That field of bunnies really does exist! I have to say my actual day 100 was an anti climax. I expected a load of fireworks to go off or something – but it was a normal blah day – work/ kids…. but since then the sober days have flown by and I can honestly say that every single aspect of my life has improved and most importantly I am a much more present mama. As everyone says here – life still goes on – and we will sometimes have blah days. But the hard times are so much easier to deal with. And I feel little things don’t faze me like they used to. On the weight thing – I’ve never lost the kgs in spades like some others have. But I am eating healthier and exercising more consistently and when I kick my sugar habit ( my Lent project this year!!) I reckon I’ll shave off the love handles a wee bit more!! The other thing that bugs me is ive never managed to have the magic de cluttering phase since I got sober. Hey ho – I’ll get there one day. Anyway red – don’t lose heart – keep on keeping on – you’ve so got this girl. Keep posting and keep letting us know about your good and bad times. Make sure you get a good pressie for day 100. Xxx

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  12. If you can do 100 days with children, you can do anything … literally anything. I was never able to hang in there with kids, and I so admire that you have the lovely patience that I did not. Congratulations!!

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  13. Red, that is awesome, well done! 95 days is bloody amazing. I feel your pain with wanting wine when you’re all cosied up with nice food and a fire…argh! But you didn’t crumble! Make sure you treat yourself to something gorgeous on Day 100 xxx

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  14. Nice one Red – almost at 100 days now which included Christmas and winter which I think are the trickiest times of the year to stay sober (Xmas parties followed by cold weather boredom). Congratulations x

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  15. Hi Red, I am thinking today is 101? I hope you are doing well and stuffing your face full of disgusting quantities of delicious hotel chocolat “the sobriety success selection”. Here’s to you looking like Augustus Gloop tomorrow 😉
    Ginger

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  16. Hi Red, Not posted before but as GG says I think today is 102 and I wanted to say well done on 100. followed your blog for sometime and really pleased for you that you’ve done it, just waiting for SWMum to post hers as well. Congratulations from a lurker and unfortunately still drinking:( XXX

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