95 days since I had a drink – I can hardly believe it, I keep having to check my day-counter to be sure.
I’ve not been blogging recently as I’ve just not had the time or motivation really. Or so it feels. I can’t honestly say that I’m out of those doldrums that I posted about in my last entry. I’m decidedly lacking in energy and enthusiasm, but I think this is due to it being the end of a very long, very grey winter. I have just felt like hibernating. Preferably inside a giant muffin, with buttercream. I do feel as though this malaise will lift, and my spirits will begin to rise once spring is here, I’m almost holding my breath waiting for it. I’m like a tightly coiled, but rather tired, non-breathing spring. I’m sure you can picture it..
To assist me in sorting through some of my current brain-jumble, I’m going to list a few thoughts and occurrences. Negatives first, then positives.
- My initial weight loss has crept back up by a few, annoying pounds. I’d been enjoying feeling svelte, but I need to own this one; I’m not exercising beyond an hour of pilates a week, which I literally have to bully myself into attending. And I’m eating whatever I like. Do the math, Red!
- I’ve discovered I have a lovely medical problem, connected to having carried twins, which may need surgery to rectify and is limiting me a bit on the exercise front. And in other, very important ways, which I won’t go into here, to save your blushes. I think this is genuinely affecting my mood in the downwards direction.
- My day counter tells me I should feel loaded, what with not spunking wads of cash each week on booze. In practise, I’m not feeling any better off, which is pissing me off mightily. I think this is due to the Xmas fallout, and some essential appliance replacement (Damn you, washing machine! Double-damn you, Dyson!!!) However, I am budgeting and watching our finances like a hawk now, so this should pay off soon. It had bloody well better. I need to order a LOT from Hotel Chocolat in a few days time..
Now for some good stuff:
- I have very few cravings for alcohol now. I even got through a serious tasting event at work without too many pangs. (I used the spittoon, like a true professional!) I did have a major wobble last weekend; the Redlets were having a sleepover due to Mr Red and I being seriously sleep-deprived. So we bought a ton of delicious meats, cheeses, chutneys, breads and set the woodburner going and watched The Lord of The Rings trilogy. I have to say, for about the first two hours after we dropped off the small peeps, I really, really wanted to open and drink lots of wine. It was tied up with the whole hibernating vibe – I just wanted to check out mentally. I wanted to hang out in The Green Dragon, drinking ale and smoking (ahem) pipeweed with a bunch of rowdy hobbits.. However, I resisted alcohol, the cravings went away, and I observed Mr Red’s hangover the next day with utter relief that I’d not cracked.
- I’m feeling so much more “sorted” and mentally on the ball. I went out with a couple of colleagues for food last night, and told them I was nearing 100 days without alcohol. After initial surprise, one did say she’s noticed that I’m much more relaxed and confident at work. And I feel it – a lot of anxiety has dispersed. I don’t dread work days any more. It pleases me to feel competent.
- I am SO much more patient with the kids. I feel like I’m being a much kinder, loving and fun parent to them. I very rarely lose my shit now. I watch the Facebook meme /Mum-blog culture around “suffering” days with children and rewarding oneself with wine, with complete derision. This last sober benefit is really the one that’s keeping me on the straight and narrow.
So – I am kind of in a self-imposed holding state. I can’t say I feel happy, but this isn’t down to lack of booze in my life. In most part, it’s down to shit that is within my control to change. So I will start trying to muster the energy to make some positive changes so that I can start to bloom like a daffodil, rather than stagnating like a bit of mouldy pond gunk.
Roll on the 100. Perhaps the resulting chocolate-high will spur me into action..