I’m feeling pretty solid in my thoughts and mind today (well, and in my body, but that’s a different story involving an obscene amount of cheese). I’ve picked myself up, and I’m feeling more as though I know I’m not drinking any more, as opposed to asking “can I stop drinking??”.
I’m taking my lessons learned from the blip on NYE, and I’ll be testing them out and applying them tonight. We have friends coming to stay with us. This is a friendship initially forged through alcohol, a mutual love of craft beers to be precise. They have become very good friends, and I believe that if I’m honest with them, they will respect my decision whilst being able to still relax themselves.
There’s another reason why I think these particular people will understand; in that my friend (let’s call him G for the sake of this) was actually present at an event which occurred in October 2014, which was the genesis of my move towards sobriety. At the time, I was coming down off a combination of suddenly losing my beloved father, and a period of what I can only think was postnatal depression – (I had 2 year old twins and a 3 year old boy). Our friends had recently become parents themselves, and I think we were all going through the massive period of adjustment this takes. G and I had been given afternoon pass-outs by our respective partners, and so we met in our favourite craft beer bar. The joy of being out and the freedom (plus a truly wonderful selection of beers) resulted in me getting drunk. Very very drunk, very very fast. I remember us getting in the 3rd pint of 7.2% abv ale at about 5pm, and then it all goes blank. Until I found myself on a bench in the railway station, being talked to by a policewoman, incapable of talking coherently and even less capable of finding my way home( me, not the policewoman, obvs). After this, there are flashes of memory at best, but the next thing that’s clear in my mind was me arriving home, to find my mum-in-law looking after our sleeping children. Apparently I’d phoned my husband in tears, panic stricken and babbling and unable to tell him where I was. Naturally he’d freaked out himself, called his parents, and he and my father in law, and by this time G, were out searching the city centre for me. Apparently, I’d left G in the early evening quite suddenly and said I needed to go home. I was piddled, but this was nothing new, and G had no idea I was blacking out and so incapable. I gave a lot of people a huge fright that night, and put myself in at a fair bit of risk. For example I have a flashback to walking down the dark country road home from our local station with a total stranger, which could have gone another way. I was lucky, they were concerned and just wanted to see me get home.
And this was my “start”, the day after, I began looking for support online, and found I wasn’t alone. Such a powerful moment, and I started my journey to here, reading, thinking, assessing for over a year.
Yikes – well that was cathartic – if you made it through, thanks for reading this far! If you are a new reader who’s found me through SoberMummy’s blog, then welcome, it’s good to have you here. Stick with me, I’m going to prove that anyone can do this. And I will.